


Mismatched

by musicmuse0609



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, American Sign Language, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton As Family (Sanders Sides), Basically anything goes, Broken Soulmate AU, But we see the aftermath in a flashback, Deaf Character, Deaf Logic | Logan Sanders, Gen, Happy Ending, Minor Character Death, Morality | Patton Sanders is Thomas's dad, Other, Sign Language, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, The Sides are brothers, They all happen in the past, You can't see color until you meet your soulmate, You're missing a sense until you meet your soulmate, the first thing you hear your soulmate say is on your wrist, three of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23707771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musicmuse0609/pseuds/musicmuse0609
Summary: Thirteen-year-old Thomas Sanders has been watching the timer on his wrist tick down his whole life, eager to meet his soulmate. Now that the actual date is less than a year away, he’s starting to have second thoughts. He decides to ask his dad, Patton, and his uncles Logan, Virgil, and Roman about their relationships with their soulmates. Their answers are—not what he’s expecting.They may not end up with their soulmates, but that doesn't mean they end up alone.
Relationships: Familial LAMP, Morality | Patton Sanders/Joan Stokes, Platonic LAMP
Comments: 34
Kudos: 85





	1. Misgivings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mentions of anxiety

Thomas laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn’t have to look at his wrist to know that his timer displayed just over 8000 hours. By the end of the day, it would tick down to the 7900s. It sounded like a long time, but it was just under 11 months until he met his soulmate.

He lifted his wrist almost instinctively to view the numbers. He saw 8006:54:24 (23, 22, 21…).

As he tried to picture what the moment would be like, he felt the mix of excitement and anxiety he had come to expect. The excitement was familiar; he had been looking forward to The Moment for a long time. But recently there was this trepidation that clouded his imagination. He had such high hopes for his relationship with his soulmate, and reality was beginning to settle in, that he would have to get to know them and what if something went wrong?

He turned his head and eyed the three pictures framed there. One was of his friends - his awesome, amazing, wonderful friends that he loved with all his heart. Another was of his family, a portrait of them all sitting on the couch in Christmas sweaters, a tree partially visible on the edge. Thomas himself was seated on the floor. Behind him, his father Patton was seated on the couch with his arms draped around Thomas’s shoulders, a huge smile lighting up his face. On Patton’s right was Thomas’s uncle Logan, sitting up straight and face stoic. On the floor in front of Logan, Thomas’s uncle Virgil was sitting next to Thomas, hunched over in his sweater, face almost entirely covered by his bangs. Finally, to Patton’s left, Thomas’s uncle Roman was striking a pose despite being seated on the couch. The only member of his family who was missing was his other parent, Patton’s soulmate, who was taking the picture. Thomas had insisted that they print a physical copy off their phone. He loved it because it perfectly conveyed the personalities of each of his family members. The final photo on Thomas’s nightstand was of Patton, arms linked with his soulmate. Patton was smiling, of course. They all joked that there was no such thing as a bad picture of Patton because no matter how goofy Patton looked, it was impossible to feel bad with Patton smiling at you.

Thomas’s eyes flashed between the Christmas photo and the photo of his parents. He lifted his wrist once more and hoped for the thousandth time that his relationship would be as good as that of his parents. He hoped he would love his soulmate, or at the very least like them. That they would be someone to provide him with companionship and intimacy. That the two of them would make a lot of good memories together. And there was a part of him—a part he was trying to repress—that hoped his soulmate would be a guy.

Thomas was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a crash from downstairs, followed by a string of expletives that were definitely forbidden in Patton’s house, a rule that Virgil was evidently ignoring. He jumped off his bed and rushed downstairs to make sure everything was okay.

When he made it to the kitchen, he saw Virgil bending over to clean up the glass plate he had dropped, while Logan, his back to the scene, continued sorting stacks of papers at the counter, completely oblivious.

“Logan, can you get the broom?” Thomas called, briefly forgetting that speaking to Logan was a pointless venture.

Virgil looked up to Thomas and raised his eyebrows, and Thomas could feel Virgil calling him a dumb ass. “Of course, use your voice to draw attention to the loud crash that happened right behind him. Why didn’t I think of that?”

Thomas rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore Virgil’s sarcasm. He crossed the kitchen, wary of glass shards, and tapped Logan lightly but firmly on the shoulder. Logan turned, first registering Thomas before his eyes darted to Virgil. Logan nodded and left the room, presumably to get a broom.

Thomas wasn’t wearing any shoes, so there was little he could do besides toss Virgil a roll of paper towels and wait for Logan to return. Sure enough, Logan appeared momentarily, broom and dustpan in hand. He seemed disgruntled about cleaning up the mess, but all three knew that he had the sharpest eyes and was therefore the most fit for the task. After thoroughly sweeping the entire kitchen floor, Logan nodded and left to put the broom away. Virgil had just finished washing his hands when Logan came back, so when he signed “Thank you” to Logan, he flung a bit of water in Logan’s direction. Logan sighed, returned the gesture, grabbed his stack of papers and headed in the direction of his study. Virgil dried his hands and opened the fridge.

Perhaps it was unusual to live with a set of parents and three uncles with contrasting personalities. But despite the jibes, they loved each other, and Thomas wouldn’t have it any other way.


	2. Misunderstood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mentions of anxiety, mentions of ableism

As Thomas watched Virgil remake himself a plate of nachos, his mind kept flickering back to his timer and his growing unease with the shrinking numbers. He wished that he could just rationalize his anxiety away, assure himself that of course he would have a good relationship with his soulmate, that was the whole point: a person who was perfect for you. What could go wrong? But Thomas knew it wasn’t that simple. Though it was discussed little, Thomas was aware that the reason Roman and Virgil lived with them was because their relationships with their soulmates hadn’t worked out. Would his be the same way?

He wanted to talk to someone about it. That’s what Patton always encouraged him to do when he was stuck, and even Virgil admitted (begrudgingly) that talking helped with his anxiety. But who should he talk to? His first choice would be his parents, but one was out of town, and the other wouldn’t be home until later. He could always ask his uncles. They were usually receptive to his questions. But which one? His first choice would probably be Roman because they had grown close since he moved in. But Roman wasn’t home, and due to his impulsive personality and sporadic schedule, Thomas didn’t know when he would be. Thomas glanced at Virgil on the couch, settling into his food and a video game. Even though Virgil wouldn’t be happy about being interrupted, Thomas was pretty sure he would be willing to talk to him. But he wasn’t sure Virgil would be able to give him the same perspective as Logan, the only member of his family who hadn’t met his soulmate. Logan could relate to Thomas in a way the others couldn’t.

Then it was decided. Thomas was talk to (or rather, sign with) Logan.

Thomas left the kitchen and approached the door to Logan’s study. He knew knocking was useless, but he always felt rude just walking in on Logan. Thomas opened the door without invitation anyway.

Logan’s desk was situated in the middle of the room, with the chair facing the door. As light from the hallway spilled onto his workspace, he squinted up from his work. Thomas pointed to the empty chair next to Logan’s desk and raised his eyebrows, asking for permission to come in. Logan nodded and waived him forward, jotting things on sticky notes and placing them on various stacks of paper.

Thomas waited patiently for Logan to give him his full attention and was gratified when Logan finally turned to him and signed, “What brings you to my office, Thomas?”

Logan communicated exclusively in sign language. From what Thomas understood, it was common for deaf people to communicate with at least some speaking and lip reading, but he had never heard Logan speak, and Logan flat out ignored anyone who didn’t sign to him. Whether this was from preference or because he had never learned at all, Thomas didn’t know. Thomas knew very little about Logan other than his profession as a history professor at the local community college. Besides the fact that Logan rarely discussed anything personal, Thomas was intimidated by Logan’s intellectual nature. He was starting to second guess his decision to initiate a personal conversation.

He proceeded anyway. “I need help.”

Logan signed, “How can I help you?”

Thomas turned over his wrist to expose his timer and signed, “I’ll meet my soulmate in a year.”

Logan proceeded to correct him, “47 weeks, 4 days, 19 hours and 33 minutes.”

Thomas’s mouth fell open a little, amazed at how quickly Logan could do the math in his head. Then he rolled his eyes because of course Logan did the math in his head. “I used to be excited to meet them. Now, I’m starting to get worried. And I don’t know what to do.”

Logan’s eyebrows pulled together, and he tilted his head. “I don’t know how I can help you with that.”

“You haven’t met your soulmate.”

“That’s true.” Logan didn’t continue like Thomas had hoped he would.

Then Thomas remembered how literal Logan was. Logan rarely responded to implications, so Thomas needed to ask him a direct question. “Are you also worried about meeting your soulmate?”

Logan shrugged. “I don’t care anymore.”

Thomas’s eyes widened. “You don’t care if you like them? Why?”

Logan broke eye contact to think, and then looked back at Thomas. “For me, the topic of my soulmate was always about my hearing, never about the person.”

Thomas had never heard this before, and he was eager to know more. “Explain.”

Logan launched into his story. “When I was born, I failed the hearing test. With the absence of a soulmark, my parents and doctors concluded that my pairing must be sense-based. They assumed that I would gain the ability to hear when I met my soulmate—rather, they _hoped_ —” he signed the word like it disgusted him, “so my deafness was treated as temporary. Any accommodations I needed were treated the same way.”

He started signing sharper and more quickly, and Thomas could tell that he was getting upset. “I was raised as if I was hearing. I was taught to speak and read lips. If I asked for accommodations, people called me lazy and told me to work harder. The people around me—my family, my doctors, my teachers—decided that because I would hear one day, they didn’t have to accommodate my deafness, that it wasn’t worth the effort.” Logan paused, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “As for me, I struggled to keep up with the hearing people around me. Rather than blame myself, as everyone else did, I started to resent my soulmate for keeping my hearing from me. I wasn’t mature enough to realize that my lack of hearing meant that they lack another sense. For a long time, I kept myself from the Deaf world because I saw myself as separate, as I was raised to believe. Now I see that this was a mistake.

“My parents saw that I was suffering. They helped me to meet other people like me, people whose deafness is the result of a sense-based pairing. But I couldn’t communicate with them because I didn’t know sign language. My parents really thought they were doing what was in my best interest by raising me as hearing. But when they met these people—the people who accepted their deafness instead of fighting against it—they realized they had been wrong. They signed me up for sign language classes and started learning it themselves. They taught my brothers.”

Logan’s face lit up as he went on. “Sign language opened up a whole new world for me. I finally had a way to communicate that came naturally. I started to get to know my family for the first time, and they started to get to know me. I started learning to socialize and have fun with people. It was a turning point.

“But I still had to come to terms with my deafness. Slowly, I taught myself to stop waiting for someone to make me hearing, and to accept myself as deaf. Once I started identifying as Deaf, I felt like a whole person for the first time.”

Logan gazed wistfully into the distance. “I have identified as Deaf for twenty years. Honestly, I don’t want to meet my soulmate. I’ve fought so hard to become the person I am now, and that person is Deaf. Becoming hearing would take an important part of my identity away from me. I would prefer to stay the way I am.” Logan lowered his hands into his lap and watched Thomas for his response.

Thomas could only sit and stare. It was jarring to watching Logan get so emotional. And it was really the first time Thomas had considered the impact that a sense-based pairing could have on a person’s identity, especially since Logan was in his forties and still hadn’t met his soulmate. Perhaps Thomas was lucky; he knew exactly when he was going to meet his soulmate, and all he had to do was wait for it. For Logan, there was no such guarantee, and either way it drastically affected his life.

Thomas looked down at his timer again, then back to Logan, who had created a full life for himself without a soulmate or a sense of hearing. He couldn’t help but admire Logan for his bravery and strength to be fully and authentically himself.

Thomas nodded and signed, “I love you just the way you are.”

Anyone who didn’t know Logan might have missed the way his breath caught, or his lips twitched upward in a barely-there smile, but Thomas saw. Thomas reached out his arms to offer a hug which, in a rare show of intimacy, Logan returned. They both had learned from the best; after all, they were both related to Patton.

As Logan pulled away, he signed, “Thank you,” and Thomas returned the movement. “Now,” Logan signed, “I have work to return to.” He turned toward his stack of papers.

“Wait!” Thomas waived his hand in Logan’s peripheral vision. Logan turned back. “It’s great that you like who you are and all, but I’m still worried about meeting my soulmate.”

“I understand. If you take anything away from this conversation, let it be this: there’s no reason to worry about meeting your soulmate. You’re already a complete person on your own, and you will continue to be after you meet them, even if everything goes horribly wrong. I hope I have eased your concern.” Logan turned away again. Thomas understood this as a dismissal and left Logan’s study.

Thomas was grateful for the conversation, but it did not ease his concern. Everything going horribly wrong was exactly what he was worried about. Logan may never meet his soulmate, and he was okay with that. Thomas, on the other hand, had no choice. Somewhere out there was this person he didn’t even know but would have some sort of significant relationship with, and he had no idea how to navigate that. What would happen if they didn’t get along, if they didn’t like each other?

As he walked out of Logan’s study, he spotted Virgil, still sitting on the couch in the living room. _That’s right_ , Thomas thought, _that’s basically what happened to him_. Virgil’s relationship with his soulmate had gone south, and they were no longer together, which was exactly what Thomas was afraid of. Maybe there was something in Virgil’s past that could give Thomas insight for his future.

He decided it was time to confront Virgil about why he left his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're enjoying this little world I've created! It means a lot to me that you're taking the time to read it. I just posted Chapter One yesterday, but I didn't want to leave it there. My goal is to update every Friday, so if you want to read more look forward to that!


	3. Miscalculated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to our favorite Thomas! I didn't plan to post this on his birthday, it just kind of happened that way.
> 
> cw: none

In the living room, Virgil had finished his plate of nachos and was smashing away on a game controller. Thomas hovered in the entrance to the room, watching him. Virgil’s favorite hoodie—black with plaid purple patches—was absent. He had on a deep purple shirt and dark sweatpants. Even though he wasn’t planning on going anywhere, he had still applied his signature eyeshadow and white foundation.

Thomas didn’t really understand the makeup thing. He had worn some himself on multiple occasion, and he even liked it. But he wasn’t good at putting it on, so usually he didn’t bother, especially if he was only going to be lounging around the house. Yet Virgil had it on almost constantly. There were a couple of times—Thomas could vividly recall a family trip to the lake over the summer—that he had seen Virgil without makeup. In Thomas’s opinion, Virgil didn’t need it. His features were just as bright as Patton’s, as handsome as Roman’s, and as sharp as Logan’s. However, Virgil seemed to be more comfortable with his face concealed. Thomas didn’t understand, but it was something he had come to accept about his eccentric uncle, nonetheless.

Virgil didn’t take his eyes off the screen, but he must have sensed Thomas standing there. “Sup,” he called.

“You don’t have to work today?”

“Got the day off.” Virgil was an assistant manager at the Hot Topic at the mall down road. His hours were different every week, and Thomas had given up trying to keep track a long time ago.

Thomas walked over to the couch and sat down next to Virgil. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”

“Yes,” he replied without hesitation.

“Cool, why- wait, yes I can, or yes you mind?”

Virgil huffed. “Yes, I mind. I’m busy.”

Thomas asked, “What’re you playing?

“I’d tell you,” Virgil said, “but the writer doesn’t know enough about video games to answer that question.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. Leave me alone.”

Thomas waited for Virgil to reach a save point and said, “Put in Mario Kart, I’ll race you for it.”

Virgil squinted at Thomas. “Race me for what?”

“To ask you a personal question.”

“Oh.” Virgil’s hands stilled on the controller, and finally he shrugged. “Fine.”

He switched the disk, set up another controller, and they were off. Virgil as Dry Bones chose a bike, which was harder to control but had great maneuverability. Thomas as Bowser chose a large kart that was heavy and easy to steer. Virgil had much more experience than Thomas, but Thomas was no amateur. He could hold his own.

Virgil gained a pretty substantial lead early on, much to Thomas’s chagrin. However, Thomas’s strength lay in using power-ups strategically, so he managed to close the gap toward the end of the second lap. He used the weight of his kart to bump Virgil off the track, and he started lap three ahead. But Virgil was an expert at the shortcuts, and his bike was faster than Thomas’s hulking kart. Virgil got ahead again, with Thomas right on his tail. As the finish line drew nearer, the match seemed decided in Virgil’s favor. However, at the last minute, a blue turtle shell came hurtling over Thomas’s head, headed straight to Virgil.

“No no nonoNO!”

Virgil’s character was flipped and spent a good couple of seconds flipping out over the attack before Virgil was allowed to accelerate. And that was all that Thomas needed. Barely avoiding the blue explosion, he passed Virgil and crossed the finish line.

“YES!” Thomas cheered, throwing his hands in the air. Virgil groaned and hung his head in his hands. Through his celebrating, Thomas caught sight of the tattoo on Virgil’s forearm. It was a purple thunder cloud by the elbow with several black lightning bolts shooting down his arm toward his wrist. Thomas knew that the tattoo covered up Virgil’s soul mark, but he didn’t know why. All he had been able to get out of his dad about it was that Virgil’s soul mark was the first thing that he had heard his soulmate say, and that it also happened to be the reason why their relationship was doomed from the beginning.

Virgil crossed his arms and buried himself into the couch, as if trying to disappear into it. Thomas calmed down. Virgil said, “Fine, you get one question, then you have to leave me alone.”

Thomas glanced at Virgil’s arm again, weighing his words and choosing his question carefully. He wanted the whole story. “How did your relationship with your soulmate fall apart?”

Virgil turned his head away from Thomas, so Thomas couldn’t see Virgil’s expression. “You mean you don’t know? I thought Patton would have told you. He’s awful at keeping secrets.”

A small laugh escaped Thomas. That was the truth. “He just said it had something to do with your soul mark.”

Virgil nodded, still not looking at Thomas. “I guess that makes sense. You were still pretty young when it all went down.” He then turned to Thomas and made direct eye contact. “My soulmate is a lesbian.”

Thomas gasped. He was the one to look away this time. He had considered the possibility of having a soulmate outside his orientation, but he had never heard of it actually happening. “That sounds like the kind of thing that shouldn’t be possible. Your soulmate’s supposed to be your perfect match.”

“And yet.”

Virgil abruptly stood up, leaving the room. Thomas wondered if that was the end of the conversation. Afterall, Virgil had answered his question. But he hadn’t really explained what had happened and _how_ things went south. All Thomas knew was that they used to be married and got divorced. What happened in between? How did it go when Virgil met his soulmate? And what was so bad about all of it that he got his soul mark entirely covered up, something most tattoo artists refused to do?

Thomas heard Virgil coming back down the stairs. When he appeared, he was wearing his hoodie, and Thomas could see that he had something in his hand. He tossed it to Thomas, and suddenly he was holding a black leather journal.

“There you go,” Virgil said, and he settled back into the couch for another round of Mario Kart.

Thomas shook his head. “What’s this?”

“The journal I kept when I met my soulmate.”

“You journal?” Thomas almost laughed at this revelation.

“Not regularly,” Virgil said, “but there should be enough in there to answer your questions.”

“You want me to read your journal?” It felt like an invasion of privacy.

“If it means I don’t have to talk about it? Then yes.” Virgil paused. “By the way, I’m giving you permission this once, so don’t get any ideas. This doesn’t mean you’re allowed to snoop around my stuff or read my personal writing in the future, understand?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Virgil quieted as he got absorbed in his game.

Thomas opened the cover and started reading.


	4. Misplaced

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Middle-of-the-week update, heck yes! I'm still planning to post on Friday, so you get two chapters this week. Enjoy!
> 
> cw: anxiety, self-deprecation, self-esteem issues, mentions of emotional abuse, divorce, swearing

August 1 (I think)

~~Dear diary,~~

My therapist told me to do this. She said that it would “ground me” or whatever.

She can’t help me. No one can. No one can change the words on my wrist.

All, my life, I’ve had this shit staring me in the face. Someday, someone’s gonna say to me: “You? But you’re a guy.” And then we’re gonna ride off into the sunset or some shit.

I’m already fated to disappoint the one person who’s supposed to love me. No one can save me from that.

***

August 14

Yeah I completely forgot about journaling for a while. I found this while I was packing. Mom and Dad are driving me to college tomorrow.

They’re acting like they’re all proud of me. I don’t deserve it, I didn’t really do anything. I think they’re just glad I’m going to school because Patton never did.

I’m supposed to write down how I’m feeling, I guess? I don’t know. I’m anxious, which is stupid. I should be excited, right? But I can’t stop thinking about what could go wrong. Like what if I don’t get along with my roommate? I’m gonna have to live with him for a year anyway. And what about the classes? There’s so much, what if I can’t handle it?

This is dumb. This was supposed to help me, but now I only feel worse. Thanks for nothing I guess.

***

August 31

It happened. It fucking happened. The exact thing I’ve been dreading for years.

She said it. And it was just as awful as I thought it would be.

***

September 15

She’s not that bad, actually. I mean, we tried getting coffee, and that was really bad. She told me she’s attracted to other girls. What kind of cruel twist of fate is this, giving me a soulmate who could never love me? But later she invited me over to her place to play video games and that was really fun. Then we watched TV and made fun of the shows together. She’s older than me, so we don’t have any classes together, but we hang out a couple of times a week. She’s… pretty cool. Maybe I just, I don’t know, need to get to know her more? She says what she thinks, and that’s actually kind of nice. I don’t have to worry about what she’s thinking because she just tells me.

I tried to call Mom and Dad to tell them about it, but they didn’t answer.

She fights with her parents a lot. She’s pretty outspoken. I could never stand up to my parents the way she stands up to hers. She told me that they want us to get married. She doesn’t want to. I don’t know what I want, but I know I don’t want to get married right now. Mostly, I just don’t want to think about it.

But yeah, otherwise, I’ve been here about a month and things are finally starting to settle. I’m actually starting to think that things might be okay.

***

September who gives a shit

Things are not okay.

I hate Patton. I’m never talking to him again.

***

October whatever

So my would-be parents in law feel sorry for me and they’ve decided, without asking either of us, that they’re going to plan our wedding. They say it’s to “make me feel better.” I think they’re just trying to make themselves feel better. I don’t understand why they’re trying to force their daughter to do something she clearly doesn’t want to do.

It’s hard to be around her. She doesn’t know how to act around me anymore, and she says things. It’s just little things, like, “I don’t understand you” and “You better not do this when we’re married.” I think she’s mad that I’m not fighting her parents about the wedding like she is. I just don’t care anymore. If they want us to get married so bad, then so what? It won’t change anything.

It won’t bring them back.

***

November something

I’m spending Thanksgiving alone because I can’t bear to go home but I also can’t bear to be in the middle of wedding drama.

I’m so tired.

***

Already December

I finished finals and I’m not allowed to stay in the dorms over break, so I have to choose between family drama and wedding drama.

Help.

***

Christmas Eve

I’m hiding in the guest room, taking a break from all the fighting about the wedding. Yeah, I eventually decided that nothing could be worse than going home.

***

February 14

I’m getting married today. On Valentine’s Day. How awful is that. I guess I’ll never forget my anniversary.

I didn’t invite Patton, but somebody else did. I don’t know who to blame. I’m so mad. I’m still mad at him but I’m also mad because there’s a part of me that’s glad he’s here and I’m mad at that part of myself. I’m going to ignore him.

God I’m a mess.

At least I’m not the only one not talking to my family.

I don’t know which of us is more miserable, me or my… wife? Wow, I guess I have to get used to saying that now.

***

I can’t believe I found this thing again. I’ve lost it and found it so many times at this point. Most of the time, I don’t bother opening it.

I forgot how terrible freshman year was. I would be graduating soon, if I hadn’t dropped out. Things aren’t quite as bad. Patton and I are on speaking terms again, but it’s limited. I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did. I’ve gotten used to saying “my wife.” We celebrated our three-year anniversary a couple of months ago.

I wouldn’t call it a celebration. She hates me. I don’t blame her. I’m hard to love. I just kind of stopped caring.

She sleeps with other people. I wouldn’t really call it “cheating,” though, since that would imply that there was something to cheat on. We don’t do anything together. I wish she wasn’t such a big part of my life so I could stop feeling guilty about ruining hers.

***

Hey surprise surprise, I’m moving again. I only seem to do this when there’s something big happening in my life.

If I did the math right, the last entry is from about six years ago.

I don’t have a wife anymore. Well, technically I still do, but not for much longer.

She actually asked for a divorce. I never thought that would happen. I guess she decided that she was finally so tired of me that her parents disowning her was worth it to kick me out of her life.

I don’t blame her. ~~I blame myself~~

But that’s not the interesting news.

I finally talked to Patton. I mean, really talked. For the first time in probably ten years. Well, I say “talked.” Really, I listened. I figured that, after ten years of feeling contempt for him, I owed him at least the benefit of the doubt.

I let him tell me about all the stuff that was going on in his life when it happened. He explained why it took him so long to tell me. I guess I was too immature to realize that there was so much responsibility that was suddenly placed on his shoulders, and he was going through hell too. I just realized he would have been 28 when it happened, which is how old I am now. I can’t imagine having to be in charge of a whole family.

Letting that go is actually a huge weight off my chest. It’s nice to feel like I can trust him again.

I don’t have anywhere to go, so he’s letting me move back into our childhood home where he still lives with Logan. Oh, and his partner and kid. I don’t understand why they’re still there. I don’t want to be there, but I guess you can’t beat a house that has the mortgage paid off. He’s not even charging me rent, as long as I contribute to the housework. That’s as good a deal as I’m going to get.

And Roman has a soulmate now I guess. They live together and everything. I don’t think the guy likes me very much. I haven’t heard from Roman in a while, so I assume it’s going good.

So yeah. I guess I’ll write again the next time I’m moving.

(For the record, I hate moving).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what y'all think so far! Feel free to leave a comment, anything is appreciated!


	5. Miserable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: swearing, self-esteem issues

Thomas turned the next page, only to find it empty. He flipped through the rest of the pages to make sure they were all blank, and he closed the book.

“Any questions?” Virgil said.

“Some,” Thomas said. “You don’t really say what happened with Patton. Was it the thing about your parents?”

Virgil nodded, but his eyes didn’t meet Thomas’s. “Things were really bad between us for a long time, but we finally worked it out.” A small smile played on Virgil’s face.

Thomas smiled, too. But he had more questions. “About your soulmate.”

“What about her?”

“Why didn’t you want to marry her?”

Virgil shook his head. “We didn’t really get along. I mean, we did at first. We had fun together when we weren’t trying to force ourselves to be something we weren’t. That didn’t mean I wanted to marry her. But her parents expected us to.” Virgil laughed humorlessly. “You know, I never even proposed to her. There was never a ‘will you marry me’ with a gushy confession and soaring music and doves and shit. It was more like, ‘Do you want to stop fighting them on this?’ And for her, the answer was always, ‘No.’”

“Why didn’t you fight them like she did?”

“Because they weren’t _my_ parents. And I felt like I didn’t have a choice. It was easier just to go along with it, because that’s what we were ‘supposed’ to do, right?” Virgil pulled his legs up and hugged them to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. “I mostly remember being miserable. On top of what happened to my parents, everything was going wrong with my soulmate. Here was this one person that I was supposed to be just right for, and she hated me. I mean, she didn’t really hate _me_ , she hated what I represented, and she hated her parents. But she took it out on me, and I took it out on myself. I mean, if there was one thing in the world I was supposed to be, it was her soulmate, and I was failing at it. If my own soulmate didn’t even like me, who else would?”

Thomas felt his chest tighten, and he hugged himself. He had kind of figured out that Virgil had self-esteem issues, but he had never heard it put into words like that. He tried to imagine how he would feel if Patton forced him into something like that, but he couldn’t. He was suddenly really grateful to have Patton as a dad, to trust Patton and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved him.

“Honestly,” Virgil continued, pulling Thomas out of his head, “it was kind of a relief when she asked for a divorce. Don’t get me wrong, it was horrible. But we finally stopped lying to ourselves. And to each other.” Virgil was rocking lightly. “I don’t know what I would have done without Patton. I didn’t have anywhere to go, and he let me move it. It wasn’t even a question.” Virgil sniffed. His voice started shaking, eyes started watering. “And he told me it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t believe him at first, but I needed to hear it. He helped me start to heal.”

Thomas was sympathetic of Virgil. He understood what Virgil meant about being on the receiving end of Patton’s love even when you felt unworthy of it. It had happened to him plenty of times.

Virgil wiped his eyes before his makeup smudged. “She actually texted me a little while ago. She has a girlfriend now, and she apologized for everything. We’ve been talking, we made plans to hang out. It’s actually kind of good now.” He smiled a little. “Maybe some soulmates are better off as just friends.”

Thomas nodded slowly, processing everything he had just learned. About how they were soulmates, yet they weren’t right for each other as romantic partners. How they tried to be in a relationship and ended up hurting each other. He compared this to the way media and society always portrayed soulmates as happy couples, and he couldn’t help but think that they got it wrong, that it wasn’t always that simple. Because of his soulmate, because of the mark on his wrist, Virgil would have to fight self-deprecation for the rest of his life. He would always be recovering. Maybe, Virgil’s mental health would have been better if he’d been allowed to just be himself, not tied to this person who was destined to break his heart.

Thomas looked down at his own wrist again. “I’m worried, Virgil. I want my relationship with my soulmate to be this amazing thing, but I’m scared that it won’t be.”

“You want my advice? Don’t put a label on it before it’s even happened. Get to know the other person first, then figure it out.”

Thomas nodded. “Thank you.” Virgil smirked at him, back to covering up. “Can I give you a hug?”

“You’re just like your dad,” Virgil muttered under his breath. “If you really want to do something for me, don’t tell Patton I cursed in front of you.” Virgil reached out for the controller, and Thomas took that as the rejection that it was, racking his short-term memory to figure out when in the conversation Virgil used a swear word.

Thomas heard a door opening, followed by Logan walking toward them. He emerged in the living room, carrying his phone. He knocked on the wall to get Virgil’s attention. Virgil set the controller down, and Logan signed, “Did you get Patton’s text?”

Virgil responded, “What text?”

“He’s going to be home late.”

Virgil’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “Why did he text you and not me?”

“Maybe because you never answer your phone.” Logan proceeded to cross his arms.

Virgil sneered, then reached behind the couch, fishing for his phone where it was plugged in. He checked the screen, then said, “Oh.” He looked up at Logan and signed, “He did text me.”

Logan nodded and retreated back to his study.

Virgil started typing on his phone. Thomas sneaked a glance over Virgil’s shoulder to eavesdrop on the conversation, and he saw that Virgil was responding to Patton.

_I’ll be home late tonight! Don’t forget to clean out the fridge!_

_Ill get around to it_

_Kiddo, you know the reason I don’t charge you rent is_

_cuz you promised to pull your weight in housework!_

_I want to help you out, make sure it gets done!_

_Ok_

_Great! C u later <3_

Thomas smiled at his dad’s enthusiastic tone, which wasn’t too far off from how he actually talked. Thomas had no idea how Patton managed to be so genuinely peppy all the time. It was like Patton had never had a bad day in his life.

Virgil sighed. “So, apparently I have to clean out the fridge or your dad’s throwing me out. You want to play?” Thomas took the controller, and as Virgil slunk into the kitchen, Thomas picked up where Virgil had left off.


	6. Mischief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we have some set-up for the next chapter, when we get Roman's story.
> 
> cw: mentions of anxiety

Thomas was interrupted about half an hour later when the front door opened, and Roman came dramatically charging in. Although to be fair, this meant little because Roman did almost everything dramatically. But judging by the stern expression on his face, he was actually upset about something this time, and he wanted everyone to know it.

As he stormed into the kitchen, he let out a dissatisfied grunt. “Seriously, Brad Pitiful? I’ve had a long day, I just want something to eat, and you’re in my way!”

“Patton told me to clean out the fridge.”

“Then how am I supposed to get a snack!” His pout was audible. Sometimes, it was obvious that Roman was the youngest.

“We have a pantry. Besides, I thought you had a date.”

There was a beat of silence, followed by, “Change of plans.” Roman didn’t sound happy about it.

“He asked you to reschedule?”

“Yes, for never.”

Thomas expected a sarcastic reply from Virgil. Instead, Virgil said, “I’m sorry to hear that, Roman. I know you liked this guy.” Virgil wasn’t always the supportive type, but he was good at knowing when his brothers needed it. “The Crofters is still good, I can make you some toast real quick. I was going to take a break anyway.” Thomas didn’t hear a response, but he did hear Virgil close the door to the fridge and opening a bag of bread, so he assumed that Roman had taken him up on the offer.

Sure enough, several minutes later, Roman emerged from the kitchen with a plate of toast with jam, one piece already hanging out of his mouth. He waived to Thomas on his way to the stairs, and Thomas waved back.

Thomas didn’t remember much of Roman from when he was little. It was like the UPS guy. Thomas knew for a fact that he existed, but he only came around every once in a while, and Thomas didn’t always get to see him when he did. Roman had been in college when Thomas was young, and he was pretty absorbed in his life. After he graduated, he moved in with his soulmate, and then he was absorbed with that. But three years ago, he had spontaneously reached out to Patton, and Virgil was suddenly shifting his room around to make room for Roman (There had been plenty of grumbling about why Virgil and Roman had to share when Logan got his own room and a study. That’s when Thomas learned that Logan’s arrangement with Patton had always been more permanent in nature than Virgil’s or Roman’s. Thomas was just grateful that his bedroom autonomy had never been questioned.) And in the three years since Roman had moved in, Thomas had spent a lot of time with him. Perhaps because he was the most fun of all his brothers. Perhaps because he was only fifteen years older than Thomas. Perhaps because Thomas never got tired of watching Roman perform, and Roman was always eager for an audience. Whatever the reason, Thomas could no longer picture his life without his Uncle Roman, and he couldn’t believe how boring his life had been before Roman showed up.

Part of Thomas wanted to follow Roman upstairs, but he thought it might be better to leave Roman alone because he was clearly upset.

“You should go.”

Thomas jumped. He looked toward the kitchen to see Virgil leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, watching him. “What?”

“You want to ask Roman the same thing you asked me, don’t you?”

Thomas nodded. “How did you know?”

“You’re staring after him and you look anxious. Trust me, I know anxiety.”

“But he probably doesn’t want to talk about his failed relationship with his soulmate right after his date cancelled on him. I should probably leave him alone.”

“See, that’s the thing about Roman,” Virgil said. “He’s not like you and me. He’s an extrovert, he loves people. Actually, he probably doesn’t want to be alone right now. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, he’ll tell you.” He quirked his head toward the stairs. “So go.”

Thomas nodded, set down the remote, and bounded up the stairs.

The door to the room that Roman shared with Virgil was ajar. When Thomas knocked, it swung open even further to reveal Roman theatrically sprawled across his bed. He declared, “Who goes there?”

Thomas had never understood Roman’s linguistic choices, but what was a lad to do besides roll with it? “Tis I, Thomas the Great, first-born and heir to my father’s throne!”

Roman literally rolled off the bed and landed in a wide stance, arms out-stretched. He was getting into character. “Ah yes, but not if I steal it by killing your father and marrying your mother. Nay, you’ll have to take the throne over my dead body!”

Thomas’s confusion caused him to break character. “But – I don’t have a mom.”

Roman sighed loudly, visibly deflating. “Seriously, Thomathy? Have you never read Hamlet?” Thomas shook his head. “Alright, but what about The Lion King? Surely, you remember Scar?”

Thomas was still confused. “But Scar didn’t marry Simba’s mom.”

Roman shook his head and waved his hand. “It doesn’t matter. What do you need, kid?”

Thomas started picking at his nails. “So, it’s officially less than a year till I meet my soulmate.”

Roman nodded. “Oh. Well, congratulations, I guess?”

“No—I mean, thanks, but what I mean is that I’ve been thinking about soulmates a lot lately.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And by thinking, I mean worrying.”

“Well, that’s more Virgil’s territory than mine. Perhaps you want to speak to him?”

“I already did. And Logan.” Thomas looked down. “And now, I was hoping to talk to you.”

“I see.” Thomas glanced up to see that Roman’s arms were now folded in front of him. “Would this ‘talk’ perchance include an account of my own experience with my soulmate?”

Thomas started to back-track. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, obviously. I just thought—you know—"

“That if you knew where I went wrong, you could learn from my mistakes?”

Thomas looked away again. “Well, I wasn’t thinking like that, but,” he paused. “Yeah, I guess.”

He looked up to see Roman deliberate. “I appreciate your discretion, although your curiosity is warranted. I assume that, for you, it is a story yet to be told?” Thomas nodded, and Roman nodded in return. “Yes, perhaps it is time. Although, I must warn you, it is not an easy tale to hear.”

“Or to tell, I’d think.”

Roman huffed out a laugh. “You are perceptive, aren’t you?”

Thomas took a seat on the bed. “I’m ready.”


	7. Mistreated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter was a little late, thank you for your patience! I'll still post another chapter on Friday as per usual.  
> I would like to thank my amazing friend Conner for beta reading this chapter and giving me feedback!
> 
> cw: abusive relationship, emotional abuse, manipulation, toxic relationship dynamics

Act 1

_A single spotlight illuminates the Narrator, who stand alone center stage._

Narrator: We open on a lonely Prince, one who, though colorblind, has an ideal vision of love. Inspired by his parents’ perfect relationship and Disney movies, he is determined to find his true love. He dreams of giving her everything her heart desires, proving his love to her, and protecting her from all villainy. His parents instruct him on the ways of love.

_Spotlight on Mother and Father, down stage right._

Father: Remember, son, when you truly love someone, you would do anything for them.

Mother: Listen to your father. He speaks from experience.

Narrator: His parents are the best couple one could ever hope to see. It’s clear they adore each other, and they are perfect for each other in every way. This is the prince’s model of what a soulmate should be. And though he tragically loses his parents at the tender age of thirteen ( _Father and Mother exit stage right_ ), he vows to honor their memory by loving his soulmate with all his heart, the way they loved each other. Even after discovering that he is gay, at which time his dreams of his female soulmate are replaced with a man, he is determined to keep that vow.

We cut to our Prince at age twenty, and his patience is finally rewarded when he experiences the magic of meeting his soulmate! ( _Prince enters stage right; Soulmate enters stage left. They cross in front of Narrator, literally bumping into each other. They embrace_ ). At long last, the pair is able to see in color, and the first color our Prince sees is the blue of his soulmate’s eyes—

***

“Hey, stop that!” Roman tells Thomas. Thomas does his best to quiet his laughter. “I know it sounds cliché, but it’s the truth.” He clears his throat. “As I was saying…”

***

Narrator (Cont.): That day is the beginning of a passionate romance. ( _Prince and Soulmate share a passionate kiss._ )

They want nothing more than to spend all their time together. They desire to move in together from the start, but for now they must wait. The Prince, a few months shy of graduating, lives right off campus, while his soulmate, a drop-out who works security on campus, lives on the other side of town. The Prince refuses to move until he finishes his degree, and his soulmate refuses to move in with him because he doesn’t like the Prince’s roommate.

Soulmate: She’s fun to hang out with and all, but she’s too critical. The two of us can’t be friends.

Narrator: Uh oh. Be careful, Prince. It should be a red flag when your partner doesn’t get along with your friends. ( _Friends enter stage_ _right._ ) His friends start to think he’s crazy, and he is—crazy about his soulmate, that is. Dear Prince, your soulmate is making you choose between him and your friends. Who will it be?

_The Prince looks between his friends on his right and his Soulmate on his left._

Prince: I made a vow. I will choose my soulmate every time!

_Prince and Soulmate waltz down stage._

Narrator: Well, you made your choice. ( _Friends exit stage left._ ) Um, Prince, it looks like your friends are abandoning you. Alas, he doesn’t care. He has his soulmate.

Anyway, he soon graduates, and he moves in with his soulmate. They spend the whole summer together, every waking second—

***

“And every sleeping second?” Thomas interrupted with a cheesy grin.

Roman groaned. “Ah yes, Patton taught you well. I know you’re joking, but it’s true.”

***

Narrator (Cont.): They never leave each other’s side. And the Prince finds himself… disappointed. It isn’t magic, like he was expecting. Most of the time, it’s boring and mundane. When they fight—and boy, do they fight—it’s outright miserable. None of the Prince’s movies prepared him for this.

Prince: I’m starting to realize that, when you share your life with someone, life doesn’t suddenly become amazing, you’re just bored and stressed with somebody else rather than alone.

_Prince and Soulmate exit stage right. Curtains close._

Act 2

_Curtain rises. Spotlight on Narrator, center stage. Prince paces down stage._

Narrator: Things may have been good at the beginning of the relationship, but our Prince is learning that love isn’t always a picnic. The passion has bled away, leaving two people who don’t know how to love each other. The Prince’s soulmate engages in some truly toxic behavior. ( _Soulmate enters stage left._ ) For example, the way he talks to the Prince.

Soulmate: You can’t leave me like everyone else.

Narrator: The Prince wouldn’t dare.

Soulmate: You won’t say no to me if you love me.

Narrator: And our Prince believes this to be true. Afterall, he was taught that the way you show love is by doing whatever your partner needs of you, that you must prove your love. But constantly asking someone to prove their love is abusive. Using their love against them is manipulative. It may seem obvious to us that this is a toxic relationship, but the Prince remains oblivious.

He doesn’t realize that his soulmate is sick. Not the kind of illness you can see: an illness of the mind. The Prince wants to protect his soulmate, but the person his soulmate really needs protecting from is himself. The Prince thinks it’s his responsibility to save his soulmate from his inner demons, but this is a lie. On top of all this, he was never taught to set and assert his own boundaries. It is a perfect storm of misery.

You mustn’t think of the Prince’s soulmate entirely as a villain. The abuse he experienced in the past makes him insecure about their relationship. He doesn’t know how to love someone in a way that’s healthy. He is just as much a victim of his actions as the Prince. He doesn’t intend to hurt our Prince. He is simply doesn’t understand how to love our Prince the way he deserves.

But the worst thing he does is cut the Prince off from his family. Though again, he’s not entirely to blame. He doesn’t get along with the Prince’s brothers, and when he doesn’t like someone in the Prince’s life, the Prince cuts them out.

Prince: He didn’t really ask me to, but it’s easier than being caught in the middle.

Narrator: The Prince’s soulmate never learns sign language, and he won’t slow down enough for the Prince to interpret for Logan. So, when Logan brushes him off, he takes it personally. And he’s creeped out by Virgil.

Prince: ( _Laughing_ ) Which is pretty funny, don’t you think?

Narrator: The Prince won’t think this for very long. His soulmate doesn’t even like Patton.

***

“What!” Thomas exclaimed. He had never heard of anyone who didn’t like Patton.

“It’s true,” Roman said.

***

Narrator (Cont.): He doesn’t trust Patton’s positivity. He thinks it’s fake. And so, out of a false sense of loyalty to his soulmate, the Prince isolates himself from the people he used to be closest to.

The final blow comes when he cuts the Prince off from working.

Soulmate: If you work, I’ll feel incompetent as a provider, and you don’t want to make me feel bad about myself, do you?

Narrator: Our Prince turns down his dream job because his soulmate feels threatened. It will seem foolish to the Prince in a couple of years, but for now, the Prince is stuck at home. His soulmate expects him to cook and clean, to be a trophy wife. And with one source of income, they can only afford one car, which his soulmate takes to work. Our Prince is trapped in every sense of the word.

All this time, the Prince doesn’t understand that this situation is toxic. With no prior relationship to compare his soulmate to, he is left to believe that everything he’s experiencing is normal.

That is, until one fateful day, three years into the relationship, when his long-ago-deserted brother reaches out to him with a text.

_Spotlight on Patton, down stage right._

Patton: Hey, Kiddo! Haven’t heard from you in a while, just checking in to see how you are doing!

Narrator: It’s nothing special, really. But it gets the Prince thinking about the honest answer. And his honest answer is that he’s doing bad. For the first time in years, he thinks about his family, and he remembers his parents, the vow he made to them to love his soulmate with all his heart. But he realizes that his parents never treated each other the way his soulmate treats him. And yes, his parents would want him to love his soulmate the best he could, but not at his own expense.

The Prince becomes enraged. This was supposed to be his perfect romance, but instead of feeling like a prince, he feels like Cinderella at the beginning of the movie: just cleaning the house all day and waiting for things to get better. Where was his happily ever after? So, he makes a decision.

Prince: I’m not going to wait for a fairy godmother or a prince. I’m going to be my own prince and rescue myself!

_Prince runs off stage right._

Narrator: And so, with fresh determination, Our Prince becomes his own hero and rides off into the sun, ready to begin his next adventure.

_Spotlight fades. Fin._

***

“What do you mean?” Thomas asked.

“I left.”

“Wait, how? I thought you didn’t have a car.”

“I didn’t. I stuffed some of my favorite belongings in a bag, wrote down Patton’s number, and left. I didn’t leave a note, didn’t even take my phone. I wanted all traces of him gone from my life, with no way of returning.” His face was a mask of determination. “I walked until I found a payphone- “

“What’s a payphone?”

“By the beard of Zeus, I’m not that old!” Roman quickly explained the concept of a payphone to Thomas. “So I called Patton and asked him to pick me up. I’ve been here ever since.”

He paused and then continued. “Perhaps dropping out of his life like that was impulsive and reckless. But I honestly believe I’m better off for it.” He turned and smiled at Thomas. “It’s given me the chance to get to know you.”

Thomas smiled, but Roman’s story haunted him. Now, he was more scared than ever about his relationship with his soulmate going badly. His eyes filled with tears. He remembered Virgil too, and they spilled down his face.

Roman’s eyes widened in alarm. “No, hey! I’m okay now, Thomas, it alright!”

“I know,” Thomas said through his tears. “But what if my soulmate is mean to me like yours was to you?”

Roman wrapped his arms around Thomas. “Listen to me. He was sick, and I didn’t understand how to handle it in a way that would allow me to be okay. Just remember that a relationship is supposed to make you feel better about yourself, that your soulmate is important but you’re important too. It won’t just work out naturally, it takes effort. And you need to take care of yourself, even if that means putting distance between you and your soulmate. Besides,” he said, leaning away from Thomas to look him in the eyes. “You’ll always have us to come back to.”

“Promise?”

Roman smiled “Always.”

Thomas opened his arms to offer a hug. Roman wrapped his arms around Thomas enthusiastically. “I’m really glad Patton decided to adopt you. You belong in my family and I can’t imagine it any other way.”

Thomas sniffed. “I love you too, Roman.”

They maintained their embrace for several minutes before pulling away. Thomas was still settling down, and Roman was uncharacteristically quiet after such an emotional conversation.

“So,” Thomas said, trying to think of something to break the silence. “Want to go downstairs and play video games?”

Roman laughed. “You’re on, kid!”


	8. Misconception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: none

Thomas and Roman sat side by side as they faced off in a virtual world. Thomas couldn’t get completely absorbed, however, because of the smells of cooking wafting from the kitchen. Virgil had decided to use his findings from the fridge to start on dinner, and Logan’s own nose had drawn him out of his study and to the kitchen, where his own contributions to the meal were making plenty of noise for the others to hear. They all were particularly startled when the house reverberated with the sound of a pan dropping to floor. Thomas heard Virgil say, “Can you be a little louder, Logan? I can still hear my own thoughts," and he wondered if Virgil had also signed it so the quip wouldn't be lost on Logan.

This was the scene that Patton walked in on. “Hey kiddos, I’m home!” he called as he made his way through the entryway, weighed down by a suitcase.

“Greetings, Padre,” Roman responded without looking away from the screen.

“Hey, Dad,” Thomas said. “Why do you have a suitcase?”

Patton smile lit up the room. “I have a surprise for you! It’s the reason it took me so long to get here!” Behind Patton, a figure emerged wearing their signature orange beanie.

“Joan!” Thomas exclaimed, tossing the controller aside and bounding off the couch toward his other parent. Joan set down the bag they had been carrying to catch Thomas in a hug. “I thought you weren’t supposed to get back until tomorrow?”

“The conference ended early, so I switched my flight.”

“You flew all the way here?” Patton replied. “Whew! Your arms must be tired!” He laughed. Roman groaned from over on the couch. Virgil’s faint, “Boo,” was audible from the kitchen. Thomas snickered into Joan’s chest, and Joan shook their head.

“That was terrible, Honey.” They let go of Thomas to embrace Patton. “But, God, I missed you, puns and all.” Patton wrapped his arms around his soulmate.

There was a knocking on the wall, and four pairs of eyes turned to Logan. “Welcome home,” he signed to Joan. “Virgil wanted me to tell everyone that dinner is ready.”

***

It took half an hour for them all to get situated around the table. As they filled their plates, Patton began the conversation. “So, how was everyone’s day?” After various mumblings and half-hearted signings of “Good,” Patton said, “Now kiddos, you know I want the details.”

Roman went first, explaining in both English and sign language that his job as a high school drama teacher had been uneventful that day, and then bemoaning his cancelled date to a whole new audience. When Virgil got tired of hearing about it, he cut Roman off. “I had the day off. I did nothing.”

“What about cleaning out the fridge?” Patton goaded.

“I cleaned out the fridge and nothing else.”

“And I’m sure you did a wonderful job! Thank you, Virgil!”

“Whatever.” But his blush was almost visible under his foundation.

“I’ll go next,” Logan signed. “Similar to Roman, nothing of significance occurred in any of my classes. Wait.” He closed his eyes and held up his finger in contemplation. “Falsehood. One of my students tried to ask in sign language about our unit next month, but he signed, ‘next condom.’” The table burst out laughing, but Logan maintained his neutral temperament. “It’s a common error, but I thought you all would find it amusing.” He turned to Joan. “Now, please tell us about your trip.”

“Hold on!” Patton exclaimed. “First we have to hear about Thomas’s day!”

Thomas looked up from his food. He asked Virgil to interpret for him. “School was okay. We had a test in science, and I felt pretty good about it. In chorus, we’re doing ‘Seasons of Love’ for our next concert, and we’re gonna have auditions for solos. I think I’m gonna go for it.”

“That’s great, Thomas!” Patton said. “You’re gonna be amazing!”

“I don’t know. I really want a solo, but some of the others are really good.”

“Well, I think the best thing you can do is sing from the heart.”

But before Patton could continue his encouragement, Roman interjected. “The heart! Yes!” The others turned to stare at him. He pointed at Thomas, completely forgetting to sign and leaving the job up to a disgruntled Virgil. “Tell them what else you did today, Thomas!”

“Oh.” Thomas started picking at his nails again. “So, I realized today that it’s less than a year until I meet my soulmate.” (Logan started correcting him again that it was 47 weeks, but Virgil cut him off with, “Not a good time, Logan.”) “And I’m starting to get nervous about it. So this afternoon I asked Logan and Virgil and Roman about their soulmates.”

“How wise of you, Thomas!” Patton said. “Seeking out those around you with more experience? That must have been hard to do. I’m proud of you!”

“I guess.” Thomas hadn’t thought of it that way. “I just don’t want to get hurt, you know? I want my relationship with my soulmate to be like you and Joan.” Patton and Joan exchanged a look, and the others suddenly seemed to find the walls very interesting. Thomas looked around, confused. “What?”

“I think it’s time,” Joan finally said. Patton nodded. Joan turned to Thomas. “Thomas, there’s something that Patton and I have been meaning to tell you.”

“But it would be better to have this conversation after dinner, I think,” Patton said. “In the meantime, why don’t you tell us about your trip, Darling? Virgil, do you mind interpreting for them?”

Virgil blew his bangs out of his eyes to hide his frustrated sigh at being treated like a human Google translate. But it was a well-known fact that he was the best at interpreting out of all of them, so he put his hands to work as Joan launched into an unnecessarily detailed account of their business trip. For the rest of the meal, Thomas worried about what they had to tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please welcome Joan to this little universe! It's kind of weird writing fiction about a real person, so here's a general disclaimer that my depiction of Joan in no way represents the real Joan. Thank you for reading, and I hope you're enjoying it so far!


	9. Misleading

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: heed the chapter title, they talk about lying
> 
> 6/5 Update: No chapter update this week while I work out some things in the second half. I'm also finishing up my classes this week. But I have every intention of posting next week!

After all the dishes had been placed in the dishwasher and the food cleared away, everyone filed into the living room. Patton and Joan sat Thomas down on the couch. Roman snagged the recliner with a bag of popcorn, as if to have a front-row seat for the drama. Logan and Virgil lingered at the edge of the room, unsure whether they were invited but curious all the same. They shared a glance, and Virgil asked Logan if he wanted him to interpret. They both settled on an I’ll-stay-if-you-stay agreement and moseyed back into the room.

Meanwhile, Thomas was preoccupied with his parents in front of him. He could tell that they were tense, and it was starting to scare him. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

“Oh! Everything’s fine,” Patton assured him. “It’s just- “

“We have something we need to tell you,” Joan admitted. Patton nodded and waited for them to continue. “Patton, you want to tell him what that is?” Joan said instead.

Patton chuckled at Joan’s antics and said, “Perhaps it would be easier to show you.”

Thomas watched as Patton unbuttoned three buttons and pulled his shirt to the left revealing his soulmark on his chest. Thomas had seen it before. There was a light patch that was almost shaped like a heart, with two darker patches over the middle, side by side. Thomas had always thought it looked a bit like the heart was wearing glasses, and he had always thought that the symbol fit his father perfectly. Next, Joan rolled up their right sleeve. At the top of their arm was a spiral of spots that vaguely resembled a rose. In that moment, Thomas realized two things: one, that he had never seen Joan without a shirt on; and two, his parents were, in fact, not soulmates.

Thomas’s mouth fell open, and the sting of betrayal filled his chest. Patton must have been able to see the pain because he said, “We weren’t trying to deceive you- “

“Yes, we were,” Joan interrupted. “It was easier to let you assume--to let everyone assume that we’re soulmates.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Thomas’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Well, we never really meant to keep it from you,” Patton said. “We didn’t even realize that you didn’t know until you asked us how we met.” He turned to Joan. “How did that conversation go again?”

“We told you we met at work, and you asked how we figured out we were soulmates.” They shrugged. “Apparently, when you were seven, ‘we just knew’ was an acceptable answer.”

“I would’ve told him,” Patton insisted, “if you haven’t beat me to the punch. At that point, it seemed cruel to tell you that your parent had just lied to you.”

“It was late, did you really want to explain your whole dating history to your child?”

“No, but lying is wrong.”

“Sometimes, tactfulness is more important that complete honesty.”

Roman munched away on his popcorn as he watched the scene unfold, and Virgil struggled to keep up as the pace of the argument increased. Thomas grew more and more anxious as he watched his parents’ disagreement spiral into a fight. He wondered if they’d had this conversation before. Thomas’s emotions rose with the tension until he couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Enough!” he yelled. “Please stop fighting! Please, I don’t care whether you think it was wrong. It happened. I just want to know why you lied to me!”

Silence fell over the room. Patton was at a loss for words, Virgil didn’t dare to move, even Roman paused his chewing. Finally, Joan said, “To protect you.”

There was a beat of silence, and then Patton said, “What?”

“For the rest of your life, you’re always going to have to defend us. It already looks like you have two dads, and I’m nonbinary too. If you add not being soulmates on top of that,” Joan choked on their words, and then continued. “We’re not normal, Thomas, and people are going to take it out on you. It’s not fair to put you in that position. I chose to be open about who I am, and to accept the struggle that comes along with that. You shouldn’t have to fight my battles. So if lying to you took some of that burden off of your shoulders,” they nodded with conviction, “then it was worth it to me.”

Patton’s eyes were full of tears. “I had no idea--you never told me that.”

Thomas’s throat felt thick as he asked, “You didn’t trust me to make that choice for myself?”

“What do you mean?” Joan asked.

“I don’t care if you’re different. We’re all different! Logan’s Deaf, Roman left his soulmate, Virgil’s… Virgil,” Virgil paused his signing to call out, “Hey!” Thomas continued, “And I…” He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I think I’m gay.”

Patton gasped. “Thomas, that’s wonderful!”

“But it’s okay to be different because we’re different together. But we can only be different together if we’re all honest about who we are. Are you,” he paused again, “are you keeping anything else from me?”

“That depends, do you know where babies come from?” Joan blurted.

The tension in the room shattered like glass and everyone started laughing. This caused Roman to cough up the popcorn he was swallowing, and everyone laughed harder.

As everyone calmed down, Patton said, “To answer your question, no, Thomas, I don’t think we’re keeping anything else from you.”

“And you’ll be honest with me from now on?”

“The best I can, Kiddo!”

Joan didn’t respond, and Patton elbowed them. “I mean, there are some things that are just adult sh-“ Patton elbowed them harder. “Alright, I will!”

Thomas glanced between the two of them. “So you’ll tell the real story of how you met?”

“Well, Kiddo, we did meet at work, like we said.”

“Sure, but don’t you think he’s old enough for the whole story?” Joan suggested. “We did just promise to be honest with him.”

“The whole story?” Patton asked.

“You know, like why we ended up together if we’re not soulmates, what happened to my soulmate, what happened to your soulmate.”

“Oh,” Patton realized. “The _whole_ whole story.”

“Please!” Thomas begged. He did his best impression of puppy-dog eyes.

Patton’s face crumbled along with his will. “Aw, how can I say no to that face!” He sat down next to Thomas, and Joan settled next to Patton on his other side. Thomas didn’t miss the way Patton gripped Joan’s hand. “Buckle up, Kiddo, you’re in for a ride!” Patton turned on his Dad voice. “And make sure to keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times!”

Thomas groaned. “Just go, Dad.”


	10. Misidentified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Mismatched revamped, now with chapter titles and content warnings on each individual chapter! And you read that right, the chapter count has increased from eighteen to twenty! Thank you for your patience with this update. Hope you like it!
> 
> cw: past character death (unnamed character), grief

Patton was sitting at his desk, typing.

He had loved his job, once. But he was good at it, so he got promoted and kept getting promoted until he was lifted from customer service to an office. The pay was good, and so were the benefits, but Patton missed working with the people. Now, he just worked with representations of them as pixels on a screen. It was hard to get to know someone’s story when all he had were the numbers.

Once again, his computer froze. He groaned aloud, drawing the attention of his coworkers, but he didn’t notice as he turned it off to restart it. He kept forgetting to save his work, which slowed the process down considerably. But he couldn’t bring himself to care about his inefficiency the same way his coworkers and bosses did.

However, as he held down the power button, the screen stayed black and refused to turn back on. Patton’s brows pulled together in confusion. He swiveled out of his chair and made his way to the office manager. The office manager was the only one in the department with an office. Patton and the rest of his colleagues worked at open desks, which, according to the higher-ups, “promoted teamwork.” Patton used to believe that, once upon a time.

He knocked on the wall next to the open door, still determined to be polite. He told the large woman that his computer froze again and now wasn’t turning on at all, and she picked up the phone to call the tech support extension. Patton thanked her and made his way back to his desk. He didn’t dislike his boss, but he could see right through her shallow friendliness. It was disheartening. As he swiveled back and forth at his desk, waiting for tech, he recalled his favorite parts of his old job.

He wandered so deep into his memories that he almost missed when a young man approached him. “You Patton?”

It startled Patton out of his memories. “Yeah.”

The man’s face was a hard mask, which was unusual. Most people who worked at the YMCA were warm and personable by default. “Heard your computer’s frozen?”

“Yeah,” Patton said. “It must have eaten a popsicle too quickly.” The man gave Patton a quizzical look. “You know, like a brain freeze.”

“Computers don’t have brains.”

“You remind me of my brother, Logan.”

Tech Guy leaned over Patton’s desk, wiggling the mouse and starting to type. “He sounds like a rational guy.”

“He is.” Patton gave Tech Guy a once-over with his eyes. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around?”

“Just transferred here.”

“Oh.” Patton noticed that next to the Y logo embroidered onto the uniform, something was missing. “You don’t have your nametag.”

“Lost it.”

“I’m sure they’ll replace it if you—"

“Between you and me, I lost it on purpose.”

“Why?” This was the most interesting interaction Patton had had all week.

“I don’t like my name.”

“Oh. Well, my name’s Patton.”

“I know.” The screen was still blank, so Tech Guy turned the monitor to examine the wires. “Strange name.”

“What’s yours?”

“My given name, or my real name?”

“Whichever you prefer.”

Tech Guy stopped and turned to look at Patton fully for the first time in the conversation, face still unreadable. “You know, most people don’t give me the choice”

Patton finally smiled. It felt good. “Well, I’m not most people.”

“Hi, Not Most People, I’m Joan.”

Patton gasped. “You told a Dad joke!”

Joan raised his eyebrows. “Seriously? I just gave you a woman’s name, and that’s the part you care about?”

Patton shrugged. “If it’s the name you prefer, who am I to judge?”

Joan turned back to the computer. “Anyone else would.”

“Are you a woman, Joan?” Joan looked at Patton again. “Just out of curiosity. I know that there are some people who look like men but aren’t men, but I’ve never me one.”

“No.”

“No what?”

“No, I’m not a woman.”

“So why do you like to be called Joan?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“I’m sorry,” Patton said, deflating. “I just, I really like people, I like getting to know them. That’s why I started working here in the first place. But up here in the office, I never get to meet new people anymore. I miss working with the members.”

“You and I differ that way.”

“Why’d you want to work here then, if you don’t like people?”

“Graduated, needed a job, they were hiring.”

“So what do you like to do then, when you’re not here?”

“Stay home, do nothing.”

“That sounds lonely. Do you have roommates, at least?”

“I have a cat.”

“What’s the cat’s name?”

“Linda.”

Joan reached towards some wires on the back of the computer, and the shirt sleeve rolled up, revealing coloring that was too big to be a birthmark and too natural for a tattoo.

“Oh! Is that your soulmark? It looks like a rose!” Patton reached out to touch it. As soon as he touched Joan, Joan recoiled and covered the mark. Patton’s face fell as he registered the pain on Joan’s face. “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”

“No, it’s just-" Joan’s Adams apple bobbed, face falling. “My soulmate passed away. I don’t need reminders.”

Patton filled with sadness in empathy. “Joan, I’m so sorry.”

Joan pushed the power button, and the monitor flashed to life. “There, it works,” Joan said and dashed away in tears.

“Joan!” Patton called out, but it was too late.

***

Patton saw Joan in passing, but Joan never stuck around long enough for the two to have a conversation until one day when they both happened to be in the break room. They sat across the room from each other, both aware of the other’s presence but unwilling to initiate a conversation. Patton ate his lunch of a PB&J trying desperately not to awkwardly stare at Joan. He had tried to give Joan space after the way their last interaction ended, but he found it increasingly difficult as his curiosity grew. It wasn’t everyday that he got to get to know someone new, and it was his favorite thing to do. He also couldn’t help but think that Joan must be sad and lonely, but it wasn’t his place to pry into another person’s life. He could only hope that Joan would approach him.

It turned out that on that particular day, he was in luck.

Joan abruptly stood up, walked to Patton’s table, and sat down next to him. “We were childhood sweet-hearts.”

“What?” Patton asked, caught off-guard.

“Me and my soulmate. You wanted to know more, didn’t you?”

“Oh, yes. But you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Joan kept talking anyway. “We were best friends ever since we were little. They’ve always been there, as long as I can remember.”

“Who?” Patton asked.

“My soulmate.”

“You have multiple soulmates?”

“No, just the one.”

“But you said ‘they.’”

“My soulmate uses—used they/them pronouns.” Patton made an exaggerated confusion face. “You’ve never heard of nonbinary pronouns, have you?” Joan asked.

Patton shook his head. “What’s ‘nonbinary?’”

“It means when someone’s not a man but not a woman, either.”

“Oh! And, so, you use ‘they’ because ‘he’ is wrong but ‘she’ is also wrong?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

Joan stared at Patton. “That’s it?”

“What do you mean, ‘That’s it?’”

“You asked so many questions before, but you just accept they/them pronouns, just like that?”

“Sure, it’s pretty simple!”

“Wow.” Joan reveled in Patton’s acceptance. “It takes most people a lot longer than that.”

“Well, I’m not most people!”

“So you said.” Joan stared down for several seconds in deliberation before turning back to Patton. “I like they/them pronouns too.”

“Really? So you want me to use ‘they’ instead of ‘he’ or ‘she?’” Joan nodded. “Well, I can’t promise to get it right all the time right away, but I’ll do my best! Anyway, you were telling me about your soulmate?”

They talked until the end of their breaks. To Patton, it was nice to connect with someone again, and he got the impression that Joan felt that way, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	11. Misadventures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: grief, discussions of loss, swearing

It started out like that, just two lonely people who became the light in each other’s lives. For several weeks, they waved to each other from across rooms. Sometimes, Joan would even smile a bit. They sat with each other in the break room and talked. At first, the two of them stuck with safe, topical subjects like how their day was going or the weather. But Patton slowly opened up more, broaching topics like interests and childhood memories. He enjoyed sharing aspects of his life with Joan, who would make witty comments and ask thoughtful questions. He loved telling them about his family, and they listened eagerly and would laugh at his stories. They had the most wonderful laugh. Patton started finding sticky notes on his desk with dad jokes and puns written on them. Patton reciprocated, handing them notes when passed by. When everyone attended an office party for a manager who was leaving, Patton and Joan spent the whole event at each other’s side.

After that, Patton realized that he looked forward to seeing Joan, even if it was just in passing. Their conversations were often the highlight of his day. He recognized his growing affection for them, and as best he could tell, they were feeling something too. But they were still reserved, still tending to their emotional wounds. Patton was in no hurry to rush that process.

One day, Joan was late to their shift. Patton was worried. Joan was never late. But they finally showed up, explaining to their boss that they had car trouble and they couldn’t find a ride and they had to bike to work and it wouldn’t happen again. After being chewed out, they were sent on their assignment, which just happened to be helping Patton install an update.

They leaned over Patton’s computer, getting real close to him. He was surprised at how comfortable he was with Joan in his personal bubble. Not just comfortable; he _liked_ being close to Joan.

“I’m sorry you had to go through all that,” Patton said.

“S’fine,” Joan replied, visibly shaken.

“You don’t have to do that.”

Joan froze. “Do what?”

“Pretend to be okay when you’re not.”

Joan turned to Patton, mouth open as if trying to find something to say. But they shook their head and resumed their work.

“When’s your shift over?” Patton asked.

“Seven.”

“It’ll be getting dark by then,” Patton observed.

“You’re point being?”

“You shouldn’t have to bike home.”

“It’s not like I have another option.”

“I could drive you.”

“But you’re off at five,” Joan protested.

It made Patton’s chest warm that Joan had learned his schedule. “It’s not that long to wait.”

“Two hours is a long time to wait.”

“I don’t mind,” Patton insisted. “I can go out and greet the members.”

“But you won’t be getting paid.”

“I don’t need to get paid, I enjoy it!”

Joan suppressed a smile. “You’re weird.” Patton laughed.

As promised, Patton waited two hours past his shift for Joan to finish theirs. Joan found him outside the building, waving and saying hi to people as they came in. He high fived a little kid who looked particularly rambunctious.

“You probably shouldn’t encourage that kind of behavior,” Joan joked as they approached. Patton turned around to find Joan smiling. “They could turn out like me.”

“And that would be a bad thing?” Patton responded with a laugh.

“I’m a trouble-maker,” Joan teased.

“Speaking of, where’s your bike?”

Joan’s smile fell. “It’s okay, you probably won’t be able to fit it in your car.”

“Ha ha, you’d be surprised!” Patton said. “Get your bike, I’ll swing around and pick you up.”

Joan was surprised when the car that pulled up to the curb was a large van. Patton jumped out. “ _This_ is your car?” Joan asked, incredulous.

“Yep! It belonged to my parents, but they got a smaller car when Logan and I moved out, so I took it off their hands.” Patton slid the door open and got to work folding down the seats. With Joan’s bike successfully loaded, they were on their way.

It wasn’t a long drive to Joan’s apartment. Something about the van reminded Joan of their soulmate, and they told Patton the story about how their soulmate didn’t drive because they tried to learn in a car this size and hated it. Joan wandered down memory lane the whole way, and by the time they pulled up to Joan’s apartment, their eyes were misty.

“I’m sorry I’m talking about my soulmate so much.” They sniffed.

Patton offered Joan his hand. Joan stared at it for several seconds before hesitantly placing their hand in his. The warmth of Joan’s hand spread through his body, and Patton reveled in the innocent contact. Patton gave a reassuring squeeze. “You can talk about them any time you like.”

Joan said, “You know, you’ve never told me about your soulmate.”

“Oh,” Patton replied. “I don’t have one. At least, not yet.”

“You haven’t met them?”

“Nope.”

Suddenly, the warmth was gone. Joan let go of Patton’s hand, unbuckling their seatbelt and opening the door. “See you at work.”

“No, hey! We can still—"

“Still what, Patton?” Patton didn’t respond. “I’ve already lost one person I loved, I’m not going to put myself in a position to lose someone else.” They started to leave.

“Joan?” Patton called. “Joan, wait!” Patton reached over to stop them. “I know how you feel!”

Joan, already half out the door, turned on Patton and yelled, “How can you possibly know how I feel!”

Patton saw that they were crying, and he could only imagine the maelstrom of emotions behind their eyes. “You’re right. I’ve never lost someone to death. But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t lost people.” He put his hand on Joan’s shoulder, but Joan flinched, and Patton pulled back. “I’ve dated people a lot. I’ve been told that you’re supposed to be monogamous to your soulmate, even before you meet them, but I never understood that. I’ve been with a lot of people, Joan. And all of them have left me for their soulmates.” Patton moved his hand a little closer, and this time, Joan stayed put. “It’s hard, being with someone and feeling like they’re only settling for you until someone better comes along, or feeling like there’s an expiration date built into the relationship. But I loved each and every one of them with all my heart, even though I knew I would meet my soulmate someday, too. I guess,” Patton moved closer, “I guess I just have a lot of love to give.” He smiled. “But I understand if that’s not what this is, and you just want to be friends. I love being friends with you. But if you want more than that,” he rested his hand gingerly on Joan’s shoulder, “I’m open to it, and I understand, probably better than anyone, the risk you’re taking.”

Fresh tears welled up in Joan’s eyes. They shifted back into their seat and closed the car door. “It’s just,” they sniffed. “I’m so confused. I was sure my soulmate would be the only person I ever loved, even after they were gone. And then you came along, with your bubbly personality and your patience and perfect eyes.” Patton laughed. “Shit, you’re exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.”

“Language!” Patton scolded.

“But I feel so guilty because it feels like betraying them and it feels like betraying you because I know I can’t love you the way I love them.”

“Of course not,” Patton said. “You never love two people exactly the same way. And that’s okay.”

Joan finally broke down in earnest. Patton spread his arms wide to offer a hug, and Joan collapsed into Patton’s embrace.

“Shh,” Patton soothed. “We don’t have to make any decisions tonight.” He stroked Joan’s back. “Take as long as you need.”

***

Their relationship developed slowly. Patton was terrified of pushing Joan too far too fast but was fighting against his own desire for _more._ He followed Joan’s lead on their first date, their first kiss, their first time talking about their relationship openly at the office. The night Patton accidentally fell asleep at Joan’s place, he freaked out in the morning, worried that Joan would be upset (they most definitely were not). Patton asked Joan if they were moving too fast, and they assured him that facing their demons with Patton by their side was easier than facing their demons alone. They faced their demons quite often, breaking down in Patton’s arms on plenty of occasions. They expressed to Patton their guilt at being the weak one in the relationship. And every time, Patton would assure them that expressing their emotions was a sign of strength.

Patton had always been passionate about his relationships, but Joan was different, and he could feel it. Something about their laugh, or the way their mind worked, or even their swearing caused Patton to think, _if I could have this for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t need anything else,_ which was quite new and unique. It wasn’t the fiery passion of his previous relationships, but instead a warm tenderness that led to the desire for commitment. And Patton loved it; that is, when he didn’t think too hard about the future.

Almost a year into the relationship, one morning after Patton had spent the night with Joan, he grabbed his clothes and headed for the bathroom.

Joan asked, “Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“You’re leaving the room to change _again._ ” Joan shook their head, smiling. “You don’t have to be so modest all the time. You can change clothes around me if you want to. I wouldn’t mind.” They winked.

Patton looked down at the clothes he was holding. Joan was right, of course, he never changed in front of Joan. But he hadn’t even realized he was doing it. Why didn’t he want to undress around Joan? What did he have to hide? He wasn’t insecure about his body, and Joan was clearly interested. So why did the thought of exposing himself make him so nervous?

But it wasn’t just Joan. Even at home he changed quickly, and when he took a shower, he averted his eyes from the mirror. Why did he—?

He lifted his head as the realization struck him. It wasn’t modesty; it was fear. He dropped his clothes as he spread his hand across his chest, right over his soulmark. He had been hiding it not only from Joan, but more importantly, from himself. For the first time, he confronted the reality of finding his soulmate and having to leave Joan. A cavernous hole punched through his chest, and he gasped at the sudden pain. His eyes watered, and he choked back a sob.

Joan leapt out of bed in alarm. “No, honey, it’s okay, I was only joking! You don’t have to change in front of me if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not that, it’s just,” Patton’s voice shook, “my soulmark is on my chest and I can’t lose you!” He broke down in earnest.

Joan embraced Patton, rubbing his back like they knew he liked. “I don’t understand, what about your soulmark?”

Patton explained through his sobs that what he had with Joan was precious to him and that he didn’t want it to end and that he was scared to meet his soulmate. Joan held Patton silently, giving Patton the space to work through his emotions. After Patton settled down, they shared their own thoughts with Patton about how they were conflicted between their selfish desire for Patton’s exclusive love and their desire for him to be happy.

Patton shook his head, still visibly upset. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Shh,” Joan said, rubbing Patton’s arm. “We don’t have to make any decisions right now.”

As they tended to their budding life together, they tried multiple times to discuss what to do when Patton met his soulmate, all to no avail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're enjoying the story, kudos and comments are a great way to show appreciation to your humble writer! If you want to yell at me or ask me questions, my tumblr is sandersspins.


	12. Mishandled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to clarify this beforehand so it's less confusing: most of this chapter is told from Joan's point of view.
> 
> cw: mentions of anxiety, swearing, minor character death

Twenty-eight.

Patton’s twenty-eighth birthday came with little fanfare. It wasn’t a milestone by any means, but his whole family gathered for his and Logan’s shared birthday, along with Roman’s birthday, which was only six days earlier. Their parents surprised them with a present to all of them. They got cell phones for Patton, Logan, and Virgil, and a fourth for the household where Roman still lived with their parents. The phones had texting capabilities, which would allow them all to communicate with Logan long-distance more easily. Logan tried remaining stoic, but Patton noticed the way Logan’s lips twitched upward, as if he was suppressing a smile. Patton finally introduced his partner of three years, who was welcomed with a warm reception. With Roman finally becoming a teenager, Virgil about to graduate high school, and Logan finishing his Ph. D, it was a big year for his family. Patton felt proud that he had managed to craft a place for himself in the world, especially without a degree. But he was even more proud of his brothers, and he looked forward to what they would accomplish in the coming year.

Unfortunately for Patton, twenty-eight would not be an easy year for him, or any of them.

Two months later, the ringing of the phone woke him up in the middle of the night. It confused him but didn’t alarm him, until he picked it up and listened to the other end of the line. The message startled him awake immediately, and he launched himself out of bed, waking Joan in the process. He fumbled for his clothes in the dark.

“Patton, you ‘kay?” Joan asked, still half asleep.

“I need to—need to go—need—" Patton continued to babble incoherently.

“Go where?”

But Patton was already in the hallway.

Joan caught him on his way out the front door, keys in hand. “Patton! Where are you going at 4 in the morning?”

Patton looked at Joan with desperate but distant eyes. “M-M-My family—They’re hurt—I-I’ve got to—" He turned away.

Joan grabbed Patton by the arm. “Patton—"

“LET ME GO!” Patton yelled. “They need me!”

Joan took a deep breath to beat down their rising anxiety. “I’m coming with you.”

Patton vigorously shook his head. “N-No, I can’t ask you to do that.”

“First of all, you can’t drive without your glasses.” Joan held up Patton’s glasses, which he had left on the nightstand. “I’m worried you’re too upset to drive anyway. You’re going to get yourself hurt.”

“They need me,” Patton repeated.

“You can’t help them if you hurt yourself. Besides,” Joan cupped Patton’s jaw in their hand, forcing him to make eye contact, “there’s no way I’m letting you go without me. We’re in this together.”

Patton set his jaw and nodded.

Joan rushed to the kitchen to get their wallet. Patton’s wallet was sitting next to it. Joan thanked whatever higher power existed that they had been able to stop Patton from charging out the door. They also happened to eye the cell phone that Patton’s parents had gifted him for his birthday. In a moment of foresight, they grabbed that too, and headed out the door to join Patton in the car.

***

For Joan, the waiting room of the hospital was unbearable. Bright lights. Various beeping. Stressed people who, like Patton, were left waiting with little hope of good news. The worst part for Joan was just how boring it was. There was little more than a pile of magazines to distract from the potential for tragedy.

Patton was a mess, and Joan had been able to glean little from his incoherent babbling on the drive over. At one point, he said, “I just talked to them last night. They told me about dropping Virgil off at college.” Joan inferred that he was talking about his parents. All they knew for sure, and they figured all that Patton knew too, was what little the receptionist had been able to tell the two of them: Patton’s parents and Roman had been in a car accident and all three were being treated for injuries.

They sat in silence until Joan suggested to Patton to get in touch with his other brothers. Patton shook his head. Joan was confused until they recalled the severity of Virgil’s anxiety, and then remembered the difficulty of getting ahold of Logan. After all, it wasn’t as simple as giving him a call. Patton had explained that there were ways that he was able to talk to Logan long-distance, but they didn’t have access to any of those devices in the waiting room. Joan supposed they could drive back to the apartment, but then they might as well drive to Logan. They didn’t know sign language, but they could communicate with Logan by writing messages down. _Fuck_ , Joan thought. _If only there was a way to send a written message from here_.

Then, it dawned on them. The cell phone. They brought it with them.

They fished it out of their pocket, flipped it open, and started using the arrow keys to navigate to the messaging function.

Patton looked over. “What’re you doing?”

“Sending a text message to Logan.” They were proud of themselves for thinking of it.

Patton gasped a little. “No, don’t!”

Joan’s hands froze. They shot Patton a questioning look. “Why not?”

“If I wanted to tell Logan, I would’ve.”

“Why don’t you want to tell Logan?”

“I don’t want him to worry.”

Joan’s eyes widened. “You don’t—you think—are you serious?”

“What? Whatever’s gonna happen’s gonna happen. He doesn’t need to be here for this.”

Joan shook their head. “Shouldn’t you at least give him the option?”

“It’s better this way.” Patton stared ahead of him at nothing. “It’s better this way.”

Joan slipped the cell phone back into their pocket. They still disagreed with Patton. They knew Patton thought he was protecting his siblings, but Logan and Virgil were going to find out eventually. Joan wanted, for one thing, for Patton to be honest, and for another, for Patton not to have to go through this alone.

So, Joan left to use the bathroom and brought the cell phone with them.

_Dear Logan, This is Joan. Im with Patton. Were at the hospital. Roman and your parents were in an accident. Were waiting for news. Pattons hoping for the best but he needs you._

Joan copied the address of the hospital from a poster, read the message over, arrowed over to the “send” icon and hit “enter.” They pocketed the device before returning to Patton.

Joan noticed that Patton’s eyes were rimmed with red, and they figured that he had a break-down while they were in the bathroom. Joan felt guilty about leaving Patton for so long to send the long message to Logan. They also felt guilty for going behind Patton’s back, but they knew he would feel better when Logan got there.

***

Logan didn’t make it in time.

When he burst through the door, Patton was weeping into Joan shoulder. Joan couldn’t understand what he was signing, but the pulled-together brows, the frown, and the way he was waving his hands were clear indications of confusion, and Joan inferred that he was asking for clarification. They gently pushed Patton aside, who continued weeping into his hand. They grabbed a pen and scrap of paper from the front desk and wrote out: _Roman’s in recovery. Your parents didn’t make it_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is difficult, and unfortunately it's going to continue to be difficult for a while. All aboard the angst train! But there's a happy ending, I swear!
> 
> As always, kudos and comments are appreciated. If you want to ask me questions or just scream at me, you can find me on Tumblr @sandersspins.


	13. Misconstrued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: aftermath of loss, grief, mild violence (nothing graphic)

They stayed in Roman’s room, waiting for him to wake up. Patton was hysterical on and off, while Logan was chillingly unexpressive. They sat in still silence, interrupted only by the beeping of Roman’s heart monitor and Patton’s sobs.

Patton and Joan sat on opposite sides of the room. After Logan had arrived, Joan admitted to Patton that they had texted him. Patton froze mid-sob, looked at Joan with the most heart-broken look they had ever seen, and said quietly, “You need to leave.” Joan had adamantly refused, even after Patton physically pushed them away. Now, Patton was ignoring Joan’s attempts to comfort him and refused to even look at them.

After an awkward hour of sitting alone, Joan announced that they were going to step out to get food and insisted that they would be back. They offered to bring some back for Logan and Patton, though both refused. Patton suspected Joan would bring some food with them anyway, if only for themself.

When they were gone, Logan waved to Patton and asked, “Have you called Virgil?”

Patton shook his head without meeting Logan’s eyes.

Logan continued, “I would do it myself, but the gravity of the situation calls for more than a text message or email.”

“I’ll do it,” Patton signed curtly. He turned his head away from Logan.

Logan waved more vigorously, but when Patton still refused to acknowledge him, he stomped his foot. Patton finally turned back. “I know this is hard, but we have to talk about what we’re going to do.”

“Do you, Logan?” Patton retorted. “Do you know how hard this is? You haven’t shown any emotion at all. Do you even care?”

“Of course I do. But we are the ones who are going to be responsible for handling everything from now on. We have to pay the bills, sort out the estate, the funeral, the burial—"

“I can’t talk about this now!” Patton burst out and turned away from Logan again, and fresh wave of agony ripping through him.

Logan stood from his chair and placed himself in front of Patton. Before Patton could protest, he signed, “What about Roman?”

Patton raised his eyebrows.

“He still needs people to take care of him. Are we going to fill that role? If not, we need to make other arrangements for him.”

Patton turned to look at Roman’s battered face. He couldn’t imagine displacing Roman and sending him away. “I could move back to the house. It might not be a permanent solution, but it will be easier on Roman for now.”

Logan nodded. “Yes, I suppose I could do the same. It will be easier with all of us there.”

Patton lapsed once again into his grief, only to be interrupted again by Logan several minutes later. “Patton, you know that Roman will be devastated.”

Patton sniffed. “I know I am.”

“He’s not as mature as we are,” Logan continued. “It will be of paramount importance for us to be strong for his sake.”

“I know.”

“Virgil’s going to be looking up to you for a show of strength, too.”

“Logan, get to the point.”

“I know that you’re emotional, but you need to reign it in. It’s now our job to provide a sense of stability for them, and that won’t be possible if you have random outbursts. Besides,” Logan took a shaky breath, “ _I_ need you to be strong, as well. I’m willing to take on the logistical aspects of… the circumstances, as long as you can maintain the household and the emotional aspects. Do you understand?”

Patton understood what Logan was asking him to do. He understood that Logan was asking him to suppress his emotions like Logan did and face the coming challenges with poise. It seemed to him an impossible task. But he looked over at Roman again, and he knew that Logan was right. Roman was still a child, and it would be so much harder for him to recover if Patton broke down all the time. His emotions were not Roman’s responsibility, nor should they be.

Patton nodded decisively, looked Logan straight in the eye and signed, “I understand.”

It would take some practice because Patton wasn’t used to feeling any less than all his emotions in their entirety. But if it was what his family needed, then he was determined to do it.

***

This proved to be difficult in every aspect of Patton’s life. Bringing Roman home was the first time he’d been to this house since his birthday, and _now_ was in stark contrast to _then_. As he pulled into the driveway, he had to slam down a flurry of strong and confusing emotions; the negative ones reared up with a vengeance, and even the calm and safety he was used to feeling upon returning home were tainted now. Corrupted, even. And Patton would have taken more time to analyze them if he was allowing himself to feel them, which he certainly was not.

Logan remained level-headed as ever, coping the only way he knew how: making lists, planning schedules, organizing. Creating the façade of control. To a casual observer, he probably didn’t look any different. But Patton had known Logan their whole lives, literally. He saw the rigid tension in Logan’s posture, his movement, his signing—a tension which, though subtle, was stronger now. Logan seemed calm, but Patton knew that the slightest pressure would shatter him.

Roman had broken down in the hospital. It started off with tears, but it escalated into screaming and thrashing. The nurses had to sedate him. Logan was alarmed, but Patton explained that he was sad and scared, that he experienced strong emotions like Patton, that anxiety ran in their family, and that he probably had no idea how to handle it. But after that, he became chronically quiet. In a way, that was even worse. Roman had never been quiet. Patton was used to always knowing where Roman was in the house, whether he could see him or not. But now, Roman was a ghost. Patton would have described it as unsettling, but he didn’t because “unsettling” wasn’t a strong enough word.

Patton tried to talk to Logan about it, but Logan brushed it off. “He’s not acting out. That’s a good thing.” Patton found himself thinking spitefully, _what did Logan care, he couldn’t tell the difference anyway_. Then he felt guilty for thinking mean thoughts. And then he felt guilty for feeling at all.

When he allowed himself to feel, all he felt was lonely. Roman was withdrawn, Logan had never been emotionally supportive, and Patton couldn’t bring himself to call Virgil. It weighed heavy on his mind that he was putting it off. And that left one other person.

He wanted Joan. Which was silly, because Joan was right there. In spirit, anyway. Patton had insisted that Joan stay at their apartment for the time being. “Until Roman adjusts,” he’d justified.

But that wasn’t entirely true.

Patton had a lot of feelings that he was trying not to feel, but one thing he knew he felt was furious at Joan. For insisting on coming with him to the hospital. For refusing to leave after Logan got there. But mostly for texting Logan behind his back. For deliberately going against what he had asked of them and interfering with his family.

He had no idea what he was doing, he was just trying to do his best, and Joan ignored him and did what they thought was best for him. And he hadn’t forgiven them for that yet.

He needed Joan, but couldn’t he bring himself to have a meaningful conversation with them. There were a lot of “worst parts” to Patton’s current life, and that was certainly one of them.

***

This all came to a head when Joan showed up at the house, unannounced and uninvited.

Patton was cooking dinner for Roman and Logan when he heard someone knock. As he walked to the door, he figured it would be one of the neighbors bringing their condolences and homemade food. But no, it was none other than his partner.

Joan was rocking on their feet, arms crossed over their chest. “Can I come in?”

Patton did his best to keep his expression blank as their appearance stoked his rage once more. He wanted to say no, but the knot in his stomach told him that that would be worse. He gripped the door harder before pulling it open all the way and turning back to the kitchen. “Sure.” He didn’t see Joan’s expression, but he heard them follow him.

Patton said nothing and went back to stirring the pot on the stove. He heard Joan say, “You haven’t been answering my calls.”

“I’m cooking dinner,” he said flatly.

“For the last ten days?”

“I’ve been busy.” Patton didn’t offer anything more and went back to the pot again.

“Okay. Clearly, you don’t want me here, so I’m just gonna say what I have to say and leave.” Joan took a deep breath. “Patton, I’m worried about you. I know you’re not okay, but I’ve seen you be not-okay before, and this isn’t like you. It’s like you’re completely shutting down. And I know you’re upset about what I did at the hospital—"

“You did a lot of things at the hospital,” Patton interrupted. “Do you mean the part where you texted Logan when I asked you not to? Or the part where you didn’t leave when I asked you to?”

“See this is what I mean.” Joan’s voice was tight. “You’ve been mad at me before, but you’ve never pushed me away.” Joan took a deep breath again. Patton heard how shaky it was, and the sound cut him to his core. “Look, if you need to take it out on me, I get it. But please just talk to me!”

Patton shook his head vigorously. “I can’t. I need to keep it together. I need to be strong for my family.”

“But what does that mean!”

Barely above a whisper, Patton said, “It means you need to go.” He couldn’t bear to look up to see Joan’s response.

“Fine,” they said, their voice still shaking. “Just tell me you’re talking to someone, and I’ll leave you alone.”

Patton said nothing, staring straight ahead at a cabinet. After an agonizing, silent minute, he listened to Joan leave. He listened to them walked to the door, open it, and close it behind them.

Patton had never been a violent person. But in that moment the emotions welled up until they overflowed, and without deciding to, he punched the cabinet.


	14. Misjudged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: swearing, break up

Patton stared at the piece of paper in his hands, at the ten digits scribbled on it. He could barely believe it. After all this time, this moment he had both dreamed about and dreaded for years was just one phone call away. Yet here he was, hesitating. Procrastinating, even. As his vision fixated on the piece of paper, there was only one person on his mind, and it wasn’t the person whose phone number he was holding. (And it also wasn’t Virgil, who he still hadn’t called.)

He picked up the phone. He had stolen it from the kitchen, taken it from the receiver and brought it to his room. It may have been the family landline, but this needed to be a private conversation. He started pressing buttons, but not in the order written on the paper. It was, instead, a number that was very familiar to him.

As he listened to the dial tone, he almost hoped that he would get sent to voice mail so he could just hang up. He felt like he needed to make this call, but there was a part of him that wanted desperately not to. It was an important conversation he did not want to have, and if he was sent to voice mail, at least he could say that he tried.

Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t so lucky.

“Hello, this is Joan?”

“It’s me.”

“Patton, are you okay?” They sounded worried. Patton recognized the irony of the situation, that wanting to talk to his significant other would be a sign that he _wasn’t_ okay.

“I’m fine, I just,” Patton fished for words. Why had he called Joan? “I have something important to tell you.”

“What is it?”

Patton took a deep breath. “I took Roman to the beach today.”

“Um, Sweetheart, I think you need to reconsider what counts as important news.”

“No, it’s what happened when we were at the beach.”

“Okay, what happened?”

“So we got there, and Roman and I put on sunscreen and stuff. Roman wanted to go swimming. It was really hot.”

“I know, I live in Florida too.”

“It was _so_ hot, Joan, I thought the skin would burn right off of me. So I set up an umbrella. But it was still hot, even in the shade.” Patton bit his lip. “Joan, I took my shirt off.”

Patton could hear Joan breathing on the other end. “Someone recognized your soulmark.” It wasn’t a question.

“A woman came up to me—she was really pretty, Joan, and nice too—”

“And she had your soulmark,” Joan finished for him.

“No, she said my soulmark reminded me of her brother’s.”

“Oh.”

“She gave me his number. Said she would give him a heads up that I was gonna call him.”

“And you called him?”

“I forgot my cell phone, and I didn’t have any change for a payphone—”

Joan sighed. “I keep telling you to put some in your car.”

“And then I got home and Logan had a bunch of stuff he needed to go over with me and I just sat down in my room a couple of minutes ago and I decided to call you.”

“So that’s a no.” Their statement hung in the air for what felt like forever, nothing audible but their breathing. It was unbearable for Patton, not being able to see Joan, not knowing what they were thinking. He imagined it was bad for Joan, too, not knowing Patton’s thoughts about the whole thing. “Are you going to call him?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“No.”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“I mean, I don’t have to, right? I don’t even know if our soulmarks match, they could be similar but not exactly the same, and we could be making something out of nothing, you know? And you and I are together and—”

“Are we?”

That stunned Patton into silence. “What?”

“Are we together, Patton?” Patton could hear Joan becoming upset. “Because you haven’t talked to me since what happened at the hospital, and I know you’re still mad about what I did, and I know that it’s hard for you and your brothers right now, but you keep pushing me away.” He could hear Joan’s breath shaking. “Patton, are you calling to break up with me?”

Patton was alarmed. “What? No! Why would I do that?”

“C’mon, you’ve been mad at me for weeks, and even when things are good between us it’s not exactly sunshine and rainbows. We both have scars—god knows how fucked up I am—and this is your chance to get a fresh start with your perfect match.” They stopped to catch their breath. Patton could practically hear their heart breaking. “Why would you want anything to do with me?”

Patton pushed down his emotions, as had become his habit since his conversation with Logan in the hospital. “I still consider you my significant other. That hasn’t changed.”

“Well, maybe it should.” Joan was crying in earnest now. “Patton, I need a break.”

Patton tried to slam down on his sudden panic. “I—you—what?

“I need a break. You won’t talk to me anyway, and you need the chance to get to know your soulmate without me holding you back.”

“Joan, you’re not—!”

“It’s for the best.”

“But—”

“Goodbye, Patton.” They hung up.

Patton lowered the phone down to his lap, pressing _End_. The piece of paper crumpled as he balled his hand into a fist. Sure, he had been keeping Joan at arm’s length, but he hadn’t wanted to lose Joan entirely.

Perhaps that had been selfish of him, he thought, as he fell over on his bed and started to cry.

That was a bad night for Patton, fighting the compounded grief of losing another person in his life. He had pushed Joan away. How could he push Joan away? Why did doing what was best for his family mean that he had to lose Joan, too? His life had been so good just a few months ago, why did everything have to fall apart?

And what was he going to do now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying the fic? Kudos and comments are a great way to show appreciation to your friendly neighborhood fic writer! If you have questions, or you just want to scream at me, you can find me on Tumblr at sandersspins.


	15. Mistrusted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure there are no content warnings for this chapter, but let me know if I missed anything. Huge shout out to my friend Conner for beta reading this chapter!

He called his soulmate.

It took a week after the disastrous call with Joan, but he finally did it. It had been an awkward conversation to say the least, calling a man he didn’t know to say, Hi, your sister thinks I’m your soulmate, want to meet to see for sure? But the response had been yes, so that exactly what he did. He went to a coffeehouse and met a stranger who was supposedly his perfect match.

That night he laid in bed, reflecting on the event. Despite his daydreams, there had been no magic moment where they locked eyes from across the room and knew the other was the one. He would have overlooked his soulmate completely if his soulmate hadn’t read Patton’s name on his cup and come over to his table. So much for the myth that one instinctually knew their soulmate.

His soulmate hadn’t wasted any time on pleasantries, stripping right on the spot to show Patton his soulmark. Patton recalled his conflicted reaction at admiring his soulmate’s impressive figure while also being devastated that their soulmarks matched. Patton had been more modest, unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it to the side, revealing his identical soulmark. It was the perfect romantic meet cute. Patton’s soulmate had swooned. Patton—had no reaction. He felt hollow, disconnected from the moment, like it wasn’t really happening to him. But he didn’t want to ruin the moment for his soulmate, so he smiled. It was just a gesture, just moving the muscles in his face. It didn’t reach his emotions, didn’t reflect them, either.

They had made pleasant small talk until his soulmate caught on to the fact that Patton wasn’t invested in the conversation. He tried to be, but the more he talked the less he wanted to say. His go-to topic of conversation, his family, was tainted with sadness, an emotion which Patton was decidedly avoiding (like he was avoiding making the call to Virgil… shoot). Patton thought he’d been hiding it well, but apparently, he hadn’t. He felt bad about that. But he had been honest, in the most superficial way possible. “My parents died about a month ago, and my family is pretty devastated. I’m trying to hold it together for them, but things are kinda hard right now.”

His soulmate’s reaction had been to gush about how strong he was and how well he was handling it. This had been the worst part of the conversation for Patton. His soulmate had called him strong. What made him strong? Pushing his emotions down so that others didn’t have to deal with them? Why should he get praised for that? It sounded like a false compliment. He didn’t feel strong. He felt—empty. And alone. How could he feel alone? Wasn’t meeting his soulmate supposed to fix that? This man was supposed to be his other half. His perfect match.

And to be honest, he could barely stand the guy. He was the epitome of the effeminate gay stereotype. He had shown up to the coffeeshop holding a Starbucks drink. Who does that? And each “babe” and “totally” he used grated on Patton’s nerves. Maybe these quirks would become endearing to him over time. He could only hope.

The whole interaction left a bad taste in his mouth. He had been relieved to leave and spend some time to himself at home. No one in his life had ever made him crave alone time. Even growing up, at the worst of times when he and his brothers had been at each other’s throats, he had never desired to be alone. How could this man be his soulmate?

Joan didn’t make him feel any of this. Joan made him feel light and happy. Even when they weren’t on the same page, they just _worked_. Wasn’t that what a soulmate was supposed to be? Joan, with their big brown eyes and their adorable smile, made him want to strive to be a better person. And that felt _good._ His soulmate on the other hand, made him feel irritable and annoyed and lonely. It was all so backwards, and it made him miss Joan even more.

The night after Patton met his soulmate he spent curled in a ball, consumed in grief, longing for the people he had lost. Just like every other night recently.

***

Patton’s soulmate continually reached out to him, calling and sending him text messages, which annoyed him. He wasn’t in the habit of using his cell phone, and he didn’t have time for frequent calls. He had a job, a family, a household to run. Why couldn’t his soulmate see that?

But over the course of two weeks, Patton changed his tune. He started to get used to his soulmate’s idiosyncrasies, and then spending time with him was more enjoyable. More importantly, when he was with his soulmate, he didn’t have to be the Patton that everyone else depended on, and it was a huge relief. When he had a fight with Logan about the fact that he still hadn’t called Virgil, he texted his soulmate to distract himself from the anger and guilt. After he had to confront Roman about letting his grades slip, he met his soulmate to go for a walk. When he was consumed by his loneliness from missing Joan, he invited his soulmate out to dinner. Patton started to see his soulmate for what he was: a distraction, an escape. Things weren’t getting better with his family or with Joan, but Patton was starting to feel better.

Patton wondered if it was wrong to use his soulmate like this. On the one hand, relationships were supposed to be about being authentic and supporting each other. But on the other hand, one’s soulmate was supposed to make them feel better, right? His soulmate had become the only good part of his life. It was the only thing he had control over. He could choose when they saw each other, what they talked about, and how much his soulmate knew about him.

However, this made conversations between the two of them a minefield. Patton redirected the conversation anytime the subject of family came up. Questions about Patton’s past were met with short, vague replies. And Patton was absolutely miserable when his soulmate went on about those awful people who dated before they met their soulmates. What choice did he have but to join in? As if he needed another reason to feel immensely guilty. So he didn’t tell his soulmate about his family problems. He didn’t talk about his parents. And he certainly never mentioned Joan or any of his past partners.

He hung in a delicate balance that felt temporary. He couldn’t get away with avoidance forever. He had no idea just how temporary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying the fic? Leaving kudos and comments are great ways to show appreciation to your friendly neighborhood fic writer!


	16. Misbehaved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: mentions of violence (nothing graphic), grief

Patton and his soulmate both had half-days at work one Friday, and they decided to go see a movie in the afternoon. A romantic comedy. Patton was actually enjoying the movie, enjoying spending time with his soulmate, enjoying himself. About halfway through, his soulmate actually pulled the move of stretching and putting his arm around Patton. Patton pushed up the arm rest and leaned against the other body. It felt nice to be close to someone again. He could see himself being happy with this. Yeah. This could be okay. And he certainly wasn’t comparing this to cuddling with Joan, not at all. Well, not too much…

Patton’s cell phone started going off. Heads swiveled in his direction, and he surreptitiously pulled his phone out to turn it off. However, he recognized the number displayed on the screen as that of Roman’s school. Oh yeah, he had given them his cell phone number after he had moved in six weeks ago. He flipped the phone open and whispered, “Hello?”

His soulmate started to stand up and pulled Patton up too. “Here, let’s go outside, babe.”

As Patton and his soulmate shuffled through the aisle, he didn’t pay attention to the person on the other end. So when he made it outside, he asked them to repeat what they had said.

“Mr. Sanders? Can you hear me now?”

“Yes, I’m listening.”

Patton listened. And his face fell.

“I’ll be right there. Bye.” He hung up and looked up at his soulmate. “I’m so sorry. It’s Roman, I have to go.”

“Your little brother?” Patton was already heading toward the lobby. His soulmate took off after him, calling, “Is he okay?”

“He got in a fight.”

***

Patton’s soulmate insisted on accompanying him to the school, and there was nothing Patton could do to stop him. They had driven separate cars to the theater, so Patton’s soulmate followed him to the school and followed Patton inside. The meeting with Roman’s principal was a disaster. It wasn’t how Patton had envisioned his soulmate meeting his family. It was not the time nor the place.

Afterward, Patton brushed his soulmate off as he and Roman got in the car.

“B*tch, we need to talk about this!”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Go home. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Who. Is. Joan.”

Patton had been ignoring the question since Roman brought Joan’s name into the conversation. “I said, I’ll talk to you later. Goodbye.” He slammed the car door in his soulmate’s face. His soulmate scoffed at the dismissal and stormed back to his own car.

Roman buckled his seat belt as Patton started the car. “I can’t believe you met your soulmate!”

“I can’t believe you punched another kid.” He backed out. He was angry, so very angry. Why was he so angry?

“He seems cool. Kinda rude, though. And very gay.”

Patton sighed as he navigated the parking lot. “Very.”

“What’s his name? And why does he keep asking who Joan is?”

“Roman—”

“You didn’t tell him?”

“—don’t change the subject. You know you’re in big trouble.”

“You don’t understand! The guy was being homophobic. I was just defending myself.”

“He wasn’t threatening you! This is not how we solve our problems.”

“But it’s okay for you to do it?”

Patton stopped for a red light. “What?”

“It’s okay for _you_ to punch something when you’re mad at Joan, but it’s not okay for _me_ to punch something when _I’m_ mad?” Roman crossed his arms. “I see how it is.”

“Not some _thing_ , some _one_.” Patton wasn’t aware that Roman had seen him punch the cabinet after Joan had come to their house. “You hurt someone, Roman, and that’s never okay!” Patton was aware that he was yelling, and Roman was yelling right back.

“Why not?” Patton could hear tears in Roman’s voice. “I hurt all the time! You and Logan hurt all the time, even though you pretend not to! You think I can’t hear you crying in your room every night? I’m not Logan.”

Patton struggled to keep his composure. “You still can’t take it out on other people.”

“And you’re not my dad!” Roman turned away as he started crying for real.

Patton was stunned into silence. He could feel the pain in Roman’s words. And he realized why he was so angry: he was mad at himself. This was his fault. He had been trying so hard to be strong for Roman, and clearly he was failing. If Roman’s outburst was anything, it was a wake-up call. Roman was in pain, and whatever Patton was doing was making it worse. Patton had all this sadness that expressed itself as anger, which built up until it burst out of him. And Roman had seen it and did the exact same thing. Patton realized that this incident wasn’t about the kid Roman had hit. It was about the fact that he wasn’t dealing with his emotions in a healthy way. Because neither was Patton.

“You’re right,” Patton said softly.

Roman’s sobbing cut off. “What?”

“You’re right. I haven’t been a good role model for you, and I’m sorry about that. I’m going to try harder from now on, okay?”

Roman sniffed. “So you’re not going to hit things in the house anymore?”

Patton didn’t realize just how much of an impact that had on Roman. Logan was right: he had been setting an example. Just not the one he had intended. “I’m sorry I ever did.”

Roman fidgeted with his hands. The motion reminded Patton of Virgil—who he still hadn’t called (dang it). “I’m sorry I made you yell at your soulmate.”

Patton blinked. “What?”

“You were mad at me, and you yelled at your soulmate. I’m sorry.”

Patton shook his head. “No, you don’t need to apologize for that. It wasn’t your fault. I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at him.”

“Why?”

Great question. “Because… because…” Because he had interfered with Patton’s family. Patton’s family, who were the most important people in the world to him. Because he was protective of his family. After all, it had taken three years to introduce Joan to them. Because Patton had told his soulmate no, and his soulmate hadn’t listened and had gotten involved anyway. “Because he broke my boundaries.”

Just like Joan did at the hospital.

Of course, that’s why he was so upset at Joan. He hadn’t put the whole thing into words like that before, as Joan breaking his boundaries. And maybe that’s why he had been avoiding talking to Joan, because he couldn’t put into words why he was so upset. Not until now.

“Yeah, he shouldn’t have done that,” Roman said. “You looked like you really didn’t want him there.”

That was true about his soulmate at Roman’s school. But it wasn’t true about Joan at the hospital.

And maybe there was another reason he had been avoiding Joan. Maybe he was ashamed that he was handling the passing of his parents so poorly.

Roman continued talking. “I miss Joan. When are the two of you going to make up?”

But this was something Joan could help him with. After all, Joan had lost someone close to them, too. It sounded like a talk with Joan was a good idea all around. Besides, he missed them, too.

“Soon, kiddo.”

Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying the fic? Leaving comments and kudos are great ways to show appreciation to your friendly neighborhood fic writer! If you have questions or just want to scream at me, you can find me on Tumblr at sandersspins.


	17. Missing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: grief, mention of violence

Patton hesitated. It was strange, knocking on his own door, asking permission to enter his own space. He had a key, but the last time he and Joan had talked, Joan had broken up with him.

He knocked.

When Joan opened the door, their surprise was evident on their face. “Patton!”

“Hey,” Patton said bashfully. He tried to smile, but it didn’t quite make it onto his face.

“Hi,” Joan said. Their eyes looked guarded.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure,” they said, probably to be polite. They stepped aside for Patton to pass.

Patton made his way to the living room. He gazed at the couch where the two of them had had countless movie nights, and he longed for simpler times.

Joan followed. They were still dressed in their polo shirt from work. It was the orange one that somehow looked good on them. Their hair was sticking up to the side, like they’d just woken up from a nap. With their large brown eyes, they looked adorable.

“How are you?” Patton asked, hesitant to talk about what he came here for.

“Oh, you know me. Work. Home. Eating a lot of ice cream.”

Patton understood what that meant. “Yeah.”

Joan wasn’t looking at Patton. “How about you? How’s the whole soulmate thing?”

“Don’t do that to yourself, Joan.”

“Do what? I really want to know.”

_Liar_ , Patton thought. “It’s fine. He’s really shallow and doesn’t like people like me.”

“People like you?”

“You know, cheaters,” Patton said. “People who date not-their-soulmates. Really, there’s a lot about me that I haven’t told him.”

“I’m sure he loves you.” Joan found the wall quite interesting.

“Mm, pretty sure he doesn’t. Or, at least, he won’t when he finds out the truth.”

“The truth?” Joan asked.

“That I have a partner.”

“Yeah, your soulmate,” Joan said. “We broke up, remember?” They shook their head. “Why are you here, Patton?”

Patton took a deep breath. “I’m ready to talk,” he said. “If you’re still open to it.”

Joan crossed their arms. “Talk about what?”

“About everything. Everything I should have talked about from the start. And I don’t just mean what happened at the hospital, I mean about my soulmate, too.”

Joan turned toward the door. “There’s nothing to talk about. You should go.”

“Joan please,” Patton begged. “I was wrong. I was wrong to push you away, and I regret it. I’ve missed you every day, and all I want is the chance to talk to you about it. If you still want me to go after that, then I’ll go. Just please hear me out.”

Joan turned around, their eyes shining with an emotion Patton couldn’t describe. It was like a person finding water in the desert, like a person seeing their soulmate for the first time. Like they had heard exactly what they needed to hear and thought they never would. It was a look that filled Patton with hope, an emotion he had almost forgotten. “Sure.”

It was time. It was long past time. But that didn’t make it any easier. “At the hospital, you texted Logan when I asked you not to, and you didn’t leave when I asked. I thought I was justified to be upset about it.”

“You were,” Joan said. “I violated your boundaries, and that wasn’t an okay thing to do.”

“I was upset because you interfered with my family, _my family_ , the one thing that means more to me than anything else.”

“I know, and I owe you an apology.”

“No, I should apologize to you.”

Joan raised their eyebrows in surprise.

“Because, you see, you _are_ my family. _Of course_ you should have had a say in whether Logan was there, and you deserved to be there too. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.”

Joan gave a small sad smile. “I’m still apologizing for not listening to you.”

“Thank you,” Patton whispered, tears welling up in his eyes.

Joan’s eyes were watering too. “May I ask what brought this on?”

“Roman punched a kid at school today.”

“He what!”

Patton shrugged. “It sounded like the kid deserved it.” He hugged himself. “But it got me thinking about how I’ve been handling my emotions and the example I’ve been setting for Roman. Logan said he needs me to be strong and not break down all the time.” Patton’s voice started shaking. “And I’ve been trying—I’ve been trying so hard,” he choked back a sob, “but I’ve just been so angry all the time and Roman can feel it and I can’t—!” He covered his face with his hands and broke down in earnest.

Joan cupped Patton’s wrists, pulling his hands away from his face and leading him to the couch. They sat down and pulled Patton down with them, hugging him to their chest and gently rocking him as he cried.

Patton hiccuped. “Joan, how did you handle it when your soulmate died? How did you get better?”

“Don’t you know?” Joan said. “It was you.”

Patton sniffed. “What?”

“It was you. You, letting me break down and listening to me talk about it and encouraging me to feel my feelings, all of them, even the hard ones.”

“But I can’t! Logan said I have to be strong for my family, and he’s right.”

“But what does it mean to be strong? You were the one who taught me that it’s strong to experience your emotions and communicate about them, not hide them and push them down!” Joan placed their hand over Patton’s “Logan was right. You do need to be strong for your family. By doing exactly what you did for me, showing them what it really means to be strong. By opening up to them and being honest. Tell them how much you’re hurting and let them do the same. It will be better, I promise.”

Patton shook his head. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

Joan rubbed Patton’s back. “I know you can. You’ve done it before. It’s just gonna be a little different this time because it’s your loss, too.”

Patton whispered, “I miss them so much, Joan.”

“I know. But I believe in you. You’ve taught me so much, and I’m a better person for having known you.”

“Me too.”

“That’s gay,” Joan said, laughing. The tension shattered, Patton half laughed, half cried into Joan’s chest.

“Joan,” he whispered, “please take me back.” He sobbed again. “I need you—no, I _want_ you in my life. I want to be your partner, and I want you to be mine.”

“But what about your soulmate?”

Patton sat up. “You’re everything I could ever want from a soulmate. You’re smart and compassionate and funny and you listen to me. You make me feel better about the world and about myself. I chose you because I want to, not because fate says so.”

He was aware of the power behind those words. In a society that valued soulmates, the person one needed to be complete, the concept of wanting anyone else was foreign. It wasn’t just about condemning fate. The decision to be with someone by choice, not out of need, was nothing short of revolutionary. Patton knew it. And Joan knew it, too.

“You would give up your soulmate to be with me?”

“Every time. I could never be with my soulmate if it meant losing you.” Patton caressed Joan’s face. “I don’t care what fate says. I choose you.”

Joan turned their head and kissed Patton’s palm. “Of course, _of course_ I want to be with you, too.”

“I love you.”

Tears fell from their eyes. “I love you too.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Joan nodded and leaned forward. This kiss was salty and soft, with burning passion just under the surface. This was the person Patton wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Patton didn’t go home that night. He spent the night with his partner, who wasn’t his soulmate, in the apartment they shared with their cat, in the bed they called their own. Patton spent the night in his partner’s arms, secure and peaceful, and got a full night’s sleep for the first time in six weeks. He didn’t go home because he didn’t have to; he was already home.

***

“Is that the end of the story?” Thomas asked.

“Close,” Patton said. “There were a few more things I had to do. I still needed to talk to my brothers…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying the fic? Leaving kudos and comments are great ways to show appreciation to your friendly neighborhood fic writer! If you have any questions or just want to scream at me, you can find me on Tumblr @sandersspins.


	18. Misfortunate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: grief
> 
> Thank you to my excellent friend Conner who encouraged me to write this chapter.

Logan worked on paperwork while Patton cooked.

“Roman!” Patton called. “Come help set the table!”

Roman made his protests known but nevertheless complied.

“Logan,” Patton signed, “clear that all away, we’re about to eat dinner.”

Logan gathered papers into stacks, carefully labeling them, and took them back to the office. He returned in time for Patton to start serving the food.

They ate in silence for several minutes. Patton nervously picked at his dinner. He knew Logan wouldn’t like what he had to say.

Patton tried to make small talk. He signed, “How was your day?”

Roman and Logan both signed, “Fine, you?”

“I made up with Joan last night.”

Roman cheered with his hands. Logan signed, “Is that where you were last night?”

“Yeah, I called and left a message—” Logan glared at Patton. “Oops, sorry, Logan.”

“It’s fine, I’m just glad you were safe.” They ate the rest of the meal in silence.

When everyone’s plates were mostly clear, Patton waved to get everyone’s attention. “I have something important we all need to talk about.” Roman and Logan faced Patton. “I have a confession to make: I’ve been hurting this family.”

Logan’s eyebrows pulled together. “Not at all. You’ve been handling things admirable well.”

Patton huffed. “No, I haven’t. I’ve just been pretending to be okay. I’ve been lying. But it’s time I told the truth.”

Logan realized where this conversation was going, and he aggressively signed, “Patton, stop.”

“I’m not okay.”

“Remember what we talked about at the hospital. Roman and I need you to be strong.”

“I know, you're right. And you were right about something else, Logan. Roman has been following my example. But I’ve been setting a bad example, and it’s making things worse for all of us.” Patton looked Logan square in the eye. “I know what you need. But this is what I need. And this is what Roman needs, too.”

Logan hit the table. “He needs you to control your emotions!”

Patton hit the table right back. “No, Logan, _you_ need that. Roman needs to learn how to express his emotions in a healthy way. What happened on Friday made that clear.” Patton took a deep breath, and he softened his signing to try to calm the tension. “So, let’s talk about our feelings.”

Logan shook his head. “I can’t have this conversation.” He looked down at his plate.

Roman looked to Patton. “Me too. I don’t want to talk about this.” He looked back at his plate, as well.

Patton waved to get their attention again. Thankfully, they looked back up. “Talking about your feelings is scary. That’s why it takes practice. And it takes strength to be able to do it.” He looked at Logan again. “You want me to be strong, Logan? This is what it looks like.”

Neither Logan nor Roman responded, but they didn’t look away, so that was a win.

“I’ll go first,” Patton volunteered. He took a deep breath to steady himself. “I’m really sad most of the time. I want to cry a lot, and when I don’t it makes me angry. I don’t like being angry. I would rather cry. It’s okay to cry. It takes strength to show emotion.”

Patton looked around the room to gauge the reactions of his family. Logan’s posture was stiff, as if he was immensely uncomfortable. Roman was looked like he was about to cry, gripping his fork like a lifeline with a shaking hand. Patton grew immediately concerned. He knew this was going to be a hard conversation, but it wasn’t supposed to be _that_ hard.

Roman slammed his fork onto the table and cried aloud, “It’s my fault!”

Logan glanced between his two brothers. “What did he say?” he asked Patton.

Patton’s eyebrows drew together in concern. “He said it’s his fault.”

“What’s his fault?”

Roman said, “The accident was my fault.”

Patton interpreted, then looked at Roman aghast. He signed, “No it wasn’t, kiddo, it was an _accident_.”

Roman kept speaking, and Patton desperately interpreted for Logan. “What do you know, you weren’t there! I just wanted Mom and Dad to pay attention to me and Dad looked away from the road and if it wasn’t for me they were still be here!” He broke down.

Logan and Patton both watched with concern. Patton apologized to Logan and explained that he needed to comfort Roman in English. “You had no control over what happened,” he said. “The other driver swerved into Dad’s lane.”

“But maybe Dad could have avoided—”

“You can’t know that. It was dark. If anything, it’s my fault.”

Logan knocked on the table. Patton looked over. “Did you just say the accident what your fault?”

Patton nodded.

“What? How?”

Patton started signing again. “If Mom and Dad still had the van, it might have been able to protect them better than the sedan, and they could have survived.”

“You can’t know that for sure,” Logan signed, echoing Patton’s words to Roman. “Talking about what-ifs is useless. It happened. The question is, where do we go from here?”

No one responded.

They sat in silence for several minutes, finishing up the food that remained on their plates. When Roman was done, he signed, “I miss Mom and Dad.”

Patton sighed. “Me too.”

Roman signed, “You remember when Mom tried to make Dad a birthday cake and nearly burned down the kitchen?”

Patton laughed a bit. “I remember Mom teaching me how to ride a bike. I was so scared of falling, but she held my seat the whole way until I could balance on my own.”

Roman smiled. “I remember how they always called each other beautiful and meant it, even after being married for so long.”

Logan knocked gently on the table. The other two turned to find tears in his eyes. “I remember the first time they signed ‘I love you.’” Patton and Roman stared at the normally stoic Logan as his lower lip trembled. “I wasted so much time not being able to talk to them. If I’d insisted we learned sign language sooner, I could have gotten more time with them.” He covered his mouth with his hand as the tears spilled over his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut and sobbed softly. Patton reached out and grabbed his other hand, holding it while he cried.

To Patton, it was jarring to watch Logan cry—he hadn’t seen it since they were kids—but there was also a sense of relief. He didn’t have to hide his emotions anymore. It was validating, even. It made him feel like it was okay to be sad. Of course he was sad; they all were. Roman wiped tears from his face too, and Patton let his own fall freely. They weren’t okay, but that was okay because they had stopped pretending to be.

Logan composed himself, taking deep breaths and wiping his eyes dry. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“Thank you, Logan,” Patton signed.

Logan’s eyebrows drew together. “For what?”

“For being vulnerable. I know that’s hard for you.”

“Oh, you’re welcome, I guess?” His eyes widened in surprise. “Actually, I should be the one thanking you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I feel… better.”

“Same,” Roman signed.

Logan cleared his throat. “You were right, Patton. We should have done this sooner.”

Patton beamed. “I appreciate it, Logan, but I don’t think we were ready until now. All we can do is take this one day at a time.”

Roman commented, “You sound like Dad.”

Patton’s breath caught and fresh tears welled up in his eyes. This time, they were good ones.

“They were really special people. You get that from them,” Logan agreed.

Speechless, Patton smiled through his tears. It was exactly what he needed to hear, that he was succeeding at taking care of his family.

“We should call Virgil,” Roman suggested. “He should be a part of this.

“Not right now, kiddo. I’ll call him tonight.”

It was time. Patton could feel it. He had the strength. He could do it.

***

“Is _that_ that end of the story?”

“Not quite. I still had to call Virgil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoying the fic? Leaving kudos and comments are great ways to show appreciation to your friendly neighborhood fic writer!


	19. Miscommunicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: miscommunication, discussion of losing parents  
> Sorry this chapter is a bit late, there were somethings I had to get done yesterday. But here it is!
> 
> Once again, y'all owe the existence of this chapter to my fantastic friend Conner, who helped me work out the specifics of Virgil's conflict with Patton. Enjoy the fruits of our efforts!

Virgil hung up.

“Virgil? Virgil?” Patton put down the phone.

What had he just done?

He had tried to explain it from his perspective, telling Virgil that their parents were injured and that he had to make the call to take them off life support. He knew he hadn’t done a good job at explaining himself, but Virgil couldn’t really think that their parents’ deaths were his fault.

Could he?

***

It took ten years. Ten years of Patton calling Virgil only to be sent to voicemail. Ten years of initiating conversations where Virgil brushed him off. Ten years of texts with no replies. But finally, Virgil was the one to reach out to Patton.

Patton was not only startled by his phone ringing (he must have forgot to put it on silent again), but he was also surprised by the caller ID. He swiped the touch screen to answer the call. “Hello, this is Patton?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

“Hi, Virge. It’s been a while, what’s up?”

“Yeah, about that, there’s a lot going on, can we meet to talk in person?”

This was the last thing Patton expected. After all this time, he was starting to believe that Virgil would actually never forgive him. “Sure! Do you want to come over to the house?”

“The same one we grew up in?” Virgil grumbled.

“Yup! We’re still here.”

“And by ‘we,’ you mean you and Joan and Thomas?”

“And Logan, too.”

“Still?” Virgil sounded incredulous.

“Well, sure! I think he prefers living with us to living alone, but he would never admit it.”

Virgil laughed. “That’s the truth. I have the day off. Are you free this afternoon?”

“Yup! Still just living the stay-at-home dad life!”

“Sure. I’ll come over after lunch?”

Patton beamed. “Sounds good, kiddo.”

***

Patton had just put a kettle on the stove when Virgil knocked. Patton quickly answered the door, eager to see his brother. “Hey there!”

Virgil was buried in one of his large hoodies, hunched over and not looking as Patton. “Sup.”

Patton noticed that the circles under his eyes were darker than usual, and his face looked especially pale under his dark hair. That was concerning, but Patton was still just happy that he was here. “C’mon in!” He walked back into the house. He heard footsteps and the door shut behind him. He made his way back to the kitchen. “I’m just making myself some tea, do you want anything to drink? Water?” He looked behind him, and Virgil nodded on his way to the living room.

Patton returned with a glass for Virgil and a mug for himself, only to find Virgil lost in his own head. He was staring absentmindedly at the living room, and Patton wondered which memories he was reliving. The ghosts in this house definitely still crept up on him from time to time. “Virgil?”

Virgil jumped, clearly startled. Patton offered the glass. “There you go!”

“Thanks.” Virgil took the glass and took a sip. He stood in the middle of the living room, shoulders stiff, not looking Patton in the eye.

Patton felt bad that Virgil was uncomfortable in his childhood home. “Feel free to sit down.”

Virgil moved toward the old recliner. “New couch?”

Patton took his own seat on said couch. “Yeah, the old one was—well, old.”

Virgil nodded. “It looks nice.”

“Thanks!”

They both lapsed into silence. It was not a comfortable silence. Both grasped at topics of conversation.

Finally, Virgil asked, “So, you considering going back to work?”

“Yeah, I think it’s time. With Thomas in school, it would be nice to work part-time. We don’t really need the income, but it would give me something to do.”

“Sure.”

They sat in silence again. Patton wanted to ask Virgil about his life, but he remembered what Virgil had said over the phone, that things weren’t going well. The last thing he wanted was to pressure Virgil to open up when he wasn’t ready, but why else would he make the effort to come over? Patton decided to start with a topic he figured would be pretty safe. “How’s married life going for you?”

“Ending,” Virgil said abruptly. “We’re getting divorced.”

Oh. So not a safe topic, then. “Really? I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Don’t be. It’s been a long time coming. It’s not like we ever really loved each other.”

This was news to Patton. When he had seen Virgil and his soulmate interact, there was never any warmth between them, but he always assumed they were just reserved as a couple. And at his wedding, Patton thought the reason he looked so miserable was because of their parents. But if they had never been in love, that explained a lot. “Still, ten years is a long time.”

Virgil scoffed. “We should have done it sooner, if you ask me. The only reason she stayed was because of her parents. If it weren’t for them, she would have left my sorry ass a long time ago.”

The conversation was distressing to Patton, from the news about the nature of Virgil’s relationship to the way he was talking about himself. No wonder Virgil was so miserable. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”

Virgil finally looked up. “What?”

“It’s not your fault.”

“What isn’t?”

“Any of it!”

“Pfft.” Virgil rolled his eyes and looked down at the ground again.

Patton hadn’t expected a warm response from Virgil, but he had hoped Virgil wouldn’t brush him off again. It was time to get to the heart of the issue. “You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?”

“Mad about what?” Virgil said. “You killing Mom and Dad and then not telling me for two months? Why would you think that?”

So that was a ‘Yes.’ “It was a month and a half.” Patton immediately knew that was the wrong thing to say. He was supposed to be the mature older brother.

“Oh, that’s make it all better!”

It was time to fix this. It was time ten years ago, but maybe this time, things would be different. “I realize I didn’t explain it very well when I called to tell you, and I knew the whole time that I should have done it sooner. But you know I wouldn’t have made the decision to pull the plug if there was any chance they were gonna wake up.”

Virgil glared. “Don’t make me feel sorry for you. You had Joan and our family and your soulmate. I was alone!”

Oh, so that was the heart of the issue. All this time, Virgil resented Patton not only for his role in their parents’ deaths, but also for the isolation that, in his perception, Patton hadn’t experienced. But that wasn’t the case. “No, I didn’t.”

“You didn’t what?”

“I didn’t have any of them. I was alone, too.”

Virgil’s gaze softened. “What do you mean?”

“Joan and I were fighting the whole time, so I couldn’t talk to them. And Logan forbade me from talking about it in front of him and Roman because he couldn’t handle me being emotional. I think it was his way of managing his own emotions, but that didn’t make it easier. And I only knew my soulmate for about two weeks before I left him to be with Joan.”

Virgil averted his eyes. “Oh. I—didn’t know that.”

“I never told you.”

“I guess I never gave you the chance.”

This was good. This was going good. Now would be a good time for a formal apology. “I feel really bad that it took me so long to call you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance to say goodbye.” Patton flashed back to the hospital, where everything happened so fast and he didn’t understand what was going on until it was too late. He remembered the moment he had to experience alone. “For what it’s worth, if it’s worth anything at all, they were gone before Roman or Logan could say goodbye, too.”

Virgil’s eyes shot up again. “Really?”

Patton nodded. “Mhm.”

They sat in silence again, neither sure what to say once again. It seemed like Virgil was processing what Patton had told him. That was good. That was progress.

After several minutes, Virgil opened his mouth only to close it again. He took another sip of water. Patton mirrored him, taking a sip of tea and waiting for Virgil to formulate his thoughts. Finally, he asked, “Why _did_ it take you so long to call me?”

Patton took several beats to consider his answer. He couldn’t risk saying the wrong thing, not when they were finally making progress. “I guess because I couldn’t talk about it.” But there was more to it than that, right? Why had it been so hard to talk about it? “I was coping by pushing it all down. I was trying too hard to keep it together, I didn’t feel like I was strong enough to say it out loud without falling apart.” He had never thought of it like that, but as he said it, he realized that it was the truth.

“I didn’t realize how hard it was for you,” Virgil conceded.

“That doesn’t justify it, though,” Patton was quick to add. The last thing he wanted to do was invalidate Virgil’s feelings.

“You’re right.”

Now that they were finally talking, the guilt swelled up again. “I really am sorry, Virgil. If I could go back and do it differently, I would.”

Virgil actually smiled a little. “Thanks.”

“Can I hug you?”

Virgil scoffed. “Can I say no?”

Patton knew it was supposed to be rhetorical, but he answered seriously. “Of course.”

Virgil blinked. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, consent is important.”

Virgil narrowed his eyes in confusion. “I though consent was just for sex and stuff.”

Patton shook his head. “I ask consent for lots of things. Just ask Joan!”

“Well,” Virgil said. “in that case, I don’t really feel like hugging right now.”

“That’s okay,” Patton said. “Thank you for being honest.”

Once again, silence filled the room, but this time, it was companionable. Patton sat in the comfort of knowing that he was going to get to be close to Virgil again. He missed his little brother.

Virgil piped up again. “Hey, just out of curiosity, what are you doing with the spare bedroom?”

“It’s half a playroom for Thomas and half storage,” Patton answered. “Why?”

“I, uh, I don’t have anywhere to go.” He pointed at himself. “Divorce and all.”

Patton picked up on what Virgil was implying “Do you want to move in?”

“It’s not really my ideal living situation, but if it would be alright, I could use a place to stay until I figure everything out.”

Patton perked up. He was going to get to live with his brother again! “Of course! This is your home, too,”

Virgil offered a half smile in gratitude. “I’ll pay you rent and stuff.”

“Don’t even think about it,” Patton said.

Virgil’s eyes widened. “Wait, seriously?”

“As long as you pull your weight in housework, we’ll call it even.”

Virgil sighed. “Can’t I just pay rent?”

Patton laughed. “No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we've finally, FINALLY, reached the end of the flashback! One more chapter to go! I can't believe we're this close to finishing the fic. As always, if you're enjoying it, please leave kudos and comments. It really boosts my motivation.


	20. Misfits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: self-deprecation
> 
> Once again, I want to thank my friend Conner for contributing to this chapter. The middle section--the reprise of Patton and Virgil's conversation--was an idea we came up with together.

In the present, Patton took a drink of water. He had been talking almost non-stop for well over an hour, with Joan interjecting with their own additions. They all had taken a break around the point in the story when Patton had called his soulmate to get water and use the bathroom. Everyone needed it. Now, their glasses were empty, and they were getting to the point where they were ready to go to bed.

“Okay,” Thomas said. “So you resolved everything with your brothers. That’s great and all, but what about your soulmate?”

“Oh yeah, him!” Patton said. “The final part of the story is that I had to be honest with my soulmate.”

“You told him that you wanted to leave him to be with Joan, right?”

“Actually, Joan was willing to let me be in a relationship with both of them.”

Thomas looked at Joan. “You mean you didn’t care that your partner was with someone else? Weren’t you jealous?”

“I didn’t want to make Patton choose between me or him, so I gave him the option to have both of us. I trusted him enough to know that he could love us both, so I didn’t have anything to be jealous of.”

Patton jumped back in. “It didn’t end up mattering. Once I told him about Joan and my other partners, he was so mad. He said he might forgive me if I broke up with Joan. So I broke up with him instead!” Patton laughed. “You should have seen the look on his face!”

“Two years later, we got married, and three years after that, we adopted you,” Joan added.

“You gave up your soulmate, just like that?” Thomas said. “That must have been really hard.”

“Actually, it was really easy. Joan was willing to compromise, and my soulmate wasn’t. I know who I would rather be with for the rest of my life.” Patton laughed again. “To be honest, it hasn’t always been easy.”

“Not by a long shot,” Joan said.

“But it’s always been worth it,” Patton said.

Virgil interjected, “It’s not always easy with your soulmate anyway, trust me.”

“And me,” Roman added.

“I wouldn’t know,” Logan signed, and he smiled. Everyone laughed.

“Wow.” Thomas leaned back from where he had been sitting at the edge of the couch. Patton had the chance to be with his soulmate, and he gave it up for someone else? Anyone else would think that Patton was crazy. But here he was, holding hands with another person, completely happy with his decision.

Patton glanced over at the clock. “Holy cannoli, it’s getting late. I hope you have your jackets, I didn’t realize how long-winded I can be!”

There was a chorus of groans, and people started standing and walking out of the room.

Patton stood and stretched, and Thomas hugged him. “Thank you, Dad.” He turned his head. “Thank you, Joan. I’m glad you two are together.” Joan embraced the two of them.

“I must say, good riddance to that jerk,” Roman said. “If you ask me, you two should have been soulmates.” He added his body to the pile. They all looked at Virgil and Logan.

“C’mon,” Virgil signed. “You know they won’t stop until we join in.”

“I think I’ve had quite enough bonding for the day.”

“Don’t hugs increase dopamine or something like that?”

“Physical contact can have a positive effect on—” Logan was interrupted by Virgil elbowing him. “Okay, fine.”

Virgil and Logan joined, squishing Thomas completely and completing the group hug.

When people started dispersing, Patton volunteered to clean up the living room. He gave Joan a quick peck, saying that he would come up to bed in a minute. He started collecting everyone’s glasses, and he noticed that one particular Sanders had stayed behind.

“Virgil! You wanna help me with this?”

Instead, Virgil said, “I’m sorry.”

Patton paused, unsure what was happening. “What?”

“I’m sorry I was mad at you for so long.”

“Oh, that,” Patton said. “I understand. You had to process everything, which is a hard thing to do and everyone does it differently. Sure, it made me sad, but I know why you were upset.”

“But it wasn’t fair to you,” Virgil insisted. He shuffled his feet, and Patton set down the glasses while he waited for Virgil to collect his thoughts. “Look, before I moved in, we talked about what happened. And I thought I understood. You had a lot going on, you were young, and you were just doing the best you could. But I still thought I was justified to be upset.”

“You were,” Patton interrupted. “Your feelings are valid.”

“But when you were talking to Thomas just now—” Virgil paused, once again struggling with what to say. “I had no idea it was that bad for you. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Patton sighed. “It’s not a part of my past I enjoy reliving. And I guess part of me thought you were right, like it was my fault and I deserved it.”

Virgil’s eyes flew wide open. “You what! How could you—no, I was just being dumb! I’m so stupid!” He clenched his fists in his hair.

Patton’s heart broke to see his brother like this. “Don’t talk about yourself that way.” Virgil didn’t let go, so Patton went on. “You didn’t know, and what you were going through was hard, too. You have to forgive yourself for the things you regret, and it’s important to be kind to yourself.”

Virgil sighed, and his hands fell back down to his sides. “I know. I’m trying to get better, it’s just—I slip sometimes.”

Patton nodded, giving his best reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Virgil. Recovery isn’t linear.” He stepped closer and laid a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “And just so you know, I don’t blame myself anymore.”

Virgil nodded, looking Patton directly in the eye. “Good. And I’m sorry I ever did.”

“I know. I forgive you.”

Virgil’s posture relaxed. “Thanks.”

Patton help out his arms. “Can I hug you?”

For once, Virgil didn’t say no. Instead, he stepped into Patton’s arms and let Patton embrace him. And he reciprocated, conceding to himself that he really did enjoy Patton’s hugs.

“You know,” he mumbled into Patton’s shoulder, “Thomas picked that up from you, the whole consent thing.”

Patton laughed. “Good.”

Later that night, Thomas reflected on his day as he was falling asleep. What was he supposed to take from everything? For one thing, he had learned a lot about his family today. They had all been through a lot more pain and hardship than he thought. Was his family just cursed when it came to soulmates?

He looked at two of the photos on his nightstand again: the one of his parents—who were _not_ soulmates—and the one of his family at Christmas. As he flashed between them, he realized that that wasn’t the case at all. They weren’t cursed. They had chosen better for themselves than what fate had assigned them, even Logan, who chose to embrace himself just the way he was. He studied the Christmas photo and realized that maybe fate hadn’t screwed up entirely. It had brought together these four very different people as brothers, and they had turned blood family into chosen family. They had created happy lives for themselves together full of supportive and loving people, even if it was different from the way society expected them to.

And Thomas was a part of that family.

He was no longer worried about meeting his soulmate. Maybe it would work out, and maybe it wouldn’t, but either way, his parents and his uncles would be there to support him, and that choice was more powerful than any soulbond.

The last thing Thomas saw before he slipped off to sleep was the portrait of his unconventional but loving family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! I can't believe this project is finally coming to a close. It's been years in the making, and it's been so much fun sharing it with all y'all.
> 
> I couldn't have finished it without the help of my brilliant friend Conner. Conner, you were the first person I shared Mismatched with, and it was a joy watching your reactions. Your passion for the story was a key element of my motivation to finish it. And of course, you ended up contributing to the story in invaluable ways. At this point, Patton's flashback is just as much yours as it is mine.
> 
> Shout out to AO3 user Catet for commenting on chapter after chapter. Your feedback gives me life, and I'm so glad you found enjoyment in my writing.
> 
> Mismatched may be finished, but I'm not going anywhere. I have other projects that I look forward to sharing with y'all. I'm going to start posting another multi-chapter fic starting on August 29, so if you like my writing and you want more, stay tuned!
> 
> One more time, for the road: Did you enjoy the fic? leaving kudos and comments are great ways to show appreciation to your friendly neighborhood fic writer! If you have questions or just want to scream at me, you can find me on tumblr at sandersspins.


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